Welcome to a typical Friday.
I woke up shortly before 7am, puzzled and a little panicked that I couldn’t hear any children. Fearing that they may have perished in the night, so unlikely was it that they would both be asleep at this time, I switched on the video monitor.
To my utter shock and delight, the baby was awake, but quietly entertaining himself in his cot in a way he has never, ever done before; usually if he is awake, you know about it. I tiptoed in to retrieve him in order to let the toddler sleep on; her bodyclock still hadn’t adjusted from her spell in hospital and believe me, it was no fun for anyone.
The unpleasant aroma hit me as soon as I entered the room.
My mum tells me that, as a toddler – even as a baby – I couldn’t abide a dirty nappy.
I was, as everyone seems to be in their own mother’s recollection once 30-odd years have passed, potty trained early. Unfortunately I have two children who seem content to sit in their own poo, in fact they might even prefer it.
Despite being ready physically – she can hold her wee for ages and uses the potty but only when it suits her – the toddler’s usual modus operandi is to run away, do a poo in secret and then deny it and blame it on the baby. It doesn’t make me hopeful that we will ever ditch the bloody nappies.
Anyway, I digress.
I brought the baby into my room and, somewhat stupidly I’ll admit, went to change him on the bed.
As soon as the nappy was off, down went his hands (as they always do) and, of course, within seconds he had spread poo over the bed sheets.
For about a minute I actually wondered whether I could deal with the resultant mess with babywipes before it dawned on me how disgusting that was and wondered what the hell happened to me whilst begrudgingly stripping the bed.
The toddler woke up shortly afterwards and appeared in the bedroom.
We got up, had breakfast and got dressed. The baby napped. The toddler and I played with Peppa Pig jigsaws and she refused to use the potty.
So far, an average day.
We’d been invited to go along to a classical concert for toddlers and, sick to death of the Frozen soundtrack, I thought it might bring a bit of class to the Whingelets (I also very much enjoyed the pun-tastic name; ‘The Wheels on Debussy‘). The violinist was superb – I obviously know a lot about it having played violin for about ten seconds when I was 11 (What the hell were my parents thinking? My husband played the drums though. I am not sure which is a worse parenting decision?).
It was held in a local church which pleased the kids; the toddler liked the way it made her voice echo whilst the baby enjoyed trying to teethe on the 16th century pews. Oh and, the musician did actually play some Frozen.
But I’ll…let it go.
(Sorry).
Show over, we made a detour to a coffee shop in which the toddler ate a muffin the size of her head as a well-done for being so brave at the hospital that week, and then we went to the park.
On the way back, the toddler was chasing pigeons when a Jack Russell came up to sniff the change bag in the basket and this exchange occurred:
Old lady “I’m so sorry, he is looking for food!”
Me “Not a problem, I have one of those. He once unzipped a friend’s bag and ate her lunch out of a sealed lunchbox…”
Old lady “I have a friend that swears her dog managed to get into a tin of dog food! Not sure I believe her though.”
Me “Yes, that sounds unlikely… How would he even manage to grip the can opener?”
Old lady walks off, actually laughing, audibly.
I wish more people found me as hilarious as that old lady.
The rest of the day was uneventful. The kids were fed. They were bathed. There was probably a bit of TV or iPad-ing in there somewhere. I can’t be brilliant all of the time.
Fast forward to just before seven pm.
Somehow, a monumental joint effort between my husband and I had resulted in both children in bed. We went downstairs to survey the devastation of the day and attempted to repatriate the explosion of toys.
Mission complete, we sat down, wine in hand, of course, and barely had I lifted the glass to my lips when I realised I could hear a noise.
Bother, said I. The baby who was previously so peaceful was now awake and screaming. And there was another sound – an almost spooky electronic tune.
The toddler had waited until we were downstairs, unlocked the stair gate to the unoccupied top bunk, snuck up there to play a CBeebies game on the iPad we had inadvertently left there, and in doing so had woken the baby up.
I had to get my husband to tell her off because I couldn’t stop laughing (I mean, it’s very naughty but you have to admire her chops). And also because I didn’t want my wine to get warm.
That is a fantastic pun for the concert…well done them! Good decision keeping the wine cool. Sounds like a successful day to me – someone laughed, you survived, there was wine. Lucy occupation: (m)other #triballove
I admire your dedication to your wine! It's so irritating when the kids do something that's naughty but funny, meaning that you can't keep a straight face whilst trying to tell them off. The classical kids concert sounds like a really good idea for a day out. I wish there was one near me! x
#triballove
I'm now picturing a dog with a tin opener in paw!
Dog with a can opener is a brilliant joke!
Antthing can be cleaned with a baby wipe! (Maybe not the sheets though, good move on that one!)
Lu xx
#TribalLove
I think The Wheels on Debussy might be the best thing I've ever heard. I once thought Rian was in bed asleep as I put some clothes away, only to hear Thomas The Tank engine set off on the iPad downstairs – he'd snuck down there! Wasn't smart enough to turn the sound off though! 🙂
Haha that's not a bad motto for my blog – well, my life actually. Survive, laugh, drink wine.
I am going to make a terrible disciplinarian!
They'd be far too dangerous with opposable thumbs 😉
Yep – I did a blog about all the amazing uses for them and had to stop at ten but basically concluded that yes, they can be used for basically any and all tasks!
I am a big fun of a groan-worthy pun. Ah blinking iPads, I wish we'd never let her use it!
Haha I just snorted out loud to that pun, love it! All in all sounds like a somewhat successful day!
I have to admit I am pretty impressed by the Toddlers' cunning. I can just hear her thinking "Drat! I would have got away with it if it weren't for that pesky baby!"��
Hailz x
The Wheels on Debussy? Cracking up with laughter here – brilliant! I did feel the horror of poo as I imagined the baby's hands! At least you had your chilled wine on a Friday – so that's a win!
Yep, good delegating, never let the wine get warm! My Nan had a dog that was very clever, he couldn't open a tin of dog food but he always used to fart everytime my Nan got out of the chair, well that's what my nan said 😉
There's nothing worse than warm wine! I've lost count of the number of times I’ve wondered whether baby wipes will be enough to clear up poo in places it shouldn't be… #KCACOLS
She did deny it was her. I love toddler logic.
I love it! Only I'm not sure how to pronounce it. Yes any day that ends in wine is a win. It's there in the name.
Wheels on the Debussy – oh inspired – can just imagine how chuffed the person was when they came up with that – smug but we will let them own that smugness – deserved! Oh I am so so glad that mine are out of nappies – can't deal anymore! don't you feel that some days you've done a full days work before 7am? #KCACOLS
Pahaha they're good for something…
The answer is invariably no. Sadly.
Far, far too often!
Oh how I love your posts – Wheels on the Debussy! Inspired!!! I hope you enjoyed your glass of wine in the end xx #KCACOLS
I love this post, made me giggle. And yes your daughter is a mini genius getting to the ipad. I wonder if toddlers have some sort of secret training we don't know about that help them learn how to open stairgates etc lol.
#KCACOLS
There were several times in this post when i chuckled to myself and then had to read it to my husband. You're hilarious! As is your daughter for blaming her poo on the baby! #KCACOLS
I still haven't learned not to change the baby on the bed! I just wetwiped the bedspread for the first 6 months before lugging it to the laundrette (it's a superking size, as if that makes it any more acceptable!) and luckily he has now stopped peeing EVERY SINGLE nappy change. #KCACOLS
Pahaha love this post, totally made me laugh out loud! Your toddler sounds exactly like my little one, she's a bit of a sly ninja when it comes to the tablet and playing that blummin teletubbies game on cbeebies!! xx #triballove #KCACOLS
My littlest has taken to removing her clothes and nappy when she's had a poo. Not ideal to walk in to first thing! And you have to admire the audacity of a toddler, the other evening I went upstairs to find my three year old casually chilling in my bed watching Netflix! #KCACOLS
I always do 😉
They must do! I struggle with both stairgates and technology…
I like to think so. Although my husband doesn't agree but he's usually wrong.
Boys are way worse than girls. They pee and it goes up the walls. FML.
That was the exact game! The music is spooky and weird over the monitor…
Ah yes, my toddler did the nappy removal this morning. Fortunately no poo and she has learned to use the potty. That could have been fun.
I think your girl's very clever, maybe not as clever as that old lady's friend's dog, but indeed clever! My cat could use the loo… but that's another story 🙂 #KCACOLS
Nadia – ScandiMummy x
haha! its hard not to laugh when they've been quite clever lol – and my kids used to sit in their soiled nappies until I realised too, which prompted me to think we never get out of nappies, and then aged 3 the now teen simply said " I don't want nappies anymore" and that was that… a few extra weeks of the night time pullups (just in case) and she opted out of that and didn't wet the bed once. The husband said she was a genius (far fetched but proud nonetheless) but I think its because she was more terrified of having to come and tell me she had wet the bed at 4am… I am not one to wake from her sleep haha 😉 #kcacols
That's actually very handy. I wish I could teach either my dog or my toddler to do that. Not fussed which.
That sounds far less stressful than having to catch the pooface as it occurs and guide towards a potty pronto…
I actually just went thro and clicked on the Wheels on Debussy! Wow didn't know it was all happening in Tunbridge Wells. Funny post thanks for making me chuckle Jo 🙂
Back again for #chucklemums
Sorry about the hospital expedition, I am just catching up and glad she is all okay. I must confess the thing that made me laugh the most was your Frozen pun! But I also love the sound of your day out. If only I had a toddler too, I might be considered playdating material… A video monitor seems a double edged sword – just because you can see what they're up to doesn't make them behave any better! #Chucklemums
Ha! You know you are on to a winner when your day starts with poo in the bed! :O
I reckon I would have gone the wipes…even I disgrace myself. ;/ #chucklemums
Just popping back. Last night Youngest would not go to sleep! She snuck down stealth stylee, it was only when I went to the fridge to get a cheeky glass of wine, (I mean water *cough* ), that I found her hiding. The moral of the story is never risk a glass of wine during the week. I have learnt my lesson and from now on will ensure that I drink all wine over the weekend! #chucklemums
Haha so fantastic! What a great day for mammy and daddy 😉 ahhh your kids are so awesome and very very intuitive 😀 #chucklemoms
Some days are like that..poo on the bed sheets then the washing machine breaks and ..there's always wine! Great post, made me chuckle. #chucklemums
Every time I try to comment on your blogs wordpress says I don't own that identity! And then promptly loses my brilliant comment! Anyway, I said, another post that made me grin. You paint such a good picture of life with your little ones – thanks for the images of shit! Your posts take me right back to when my kids were the same ages as yours and the relentlessness of it all. You have to inject humour to survive! Oh and I also said: gotta love a pun! Alison #chucklemums
Oh why do we think it's acceptable to do the laundry with baby wipes now? They're my first port of call now but unfortunately they can't do everything. When my youngest was a baby, he pooed over the bed sheets so much that I just threw them out! The Wheels on Debussy is possibly the best thing I've ever heard ? #chucklemums
Oh my goodness! Your toddler is a genius, and also hilarious. Those nappy malfunctions are beyond gross – but how can you be angry at such a cute face! Hope you got to your wine before it got too warm…and The Wheels on Debussy sounds just up my street as a classical music fan 😉 #chucklemums
Haha you have one quick thinking toddler blaming it on the baby. Hmmm but then she must get it from you as you managed to get back to your much deserved wine rather quickly lol. Xx #KCACOLS
Loving the sound of the concert. Wow you deserved that glass of wine that day didn't you. Hope it was sufficiently chilled my love. Thanks so much for linking up to #KCACOLS. So hope you can come back again next Sunday.
HA! What a day!! Yay for old ladies finding you hilarious and not having to suffer warm wine!! I'm the same though…I CANNOT not laugh when my toddler does something naughty-yet-genius, I feel a weird sense of pride! #chucklemums
The Wheels on Debussy! Brilliant! I even looked them up and saw that Tunbridge Wells is ROCKIN' to the violin. LOVE the photo of your babe 'What? what have i done?' a real sit up and smile post 🙂 Jo
The wheels on the debussy! (classic) way better than taking a Chopin Liszt to the supermarket!!! Love a good pun me! I defo had a chuckle at the conversation with the old dear! Oh yes, guard the wine temperature at all costs! #chucklemums
Oh it all happens here. We are not all disgusted these days 😉
Sometimes it's best just to know they're being quiet and not look!
And so many days do…
😀
Haha I genuinely considered it. It was just too much poo y'know 😉
That's a defeatist attitude 😉
They are pretty awesome…sometimes 😉
Today is another such day… There will be wine. Hey, I made it to Wednesday without…
I'm sorry my blog is attempting to give you an identity crisis! Haha. Thanks Alison. I live for terrible puns. Sorry not sorry.
Because we are DISGUSTING. Hahaha. I don't blame you at all.
She is certainly something. Babies as well as toddlers welcome!
You're right. She's sneaky, just like mummy!
Thank you 🙂 I certainly did!
He's got some exceptional faces that child. All the way from Ronnie Scott's that guy!
She's full of naughty-yet-genius moves. She will go far.
Very good, very good…
Nothing worse than a warm Sav Blanc
Haha – mine just doesn't seem to want to stop using nappies either! The classical concert sounds interesting – I like the pun! #chucklemums
I'm sure being stubborn will be a good thing when she's older… Maybe