There are so many reasons I didn’t choose a career as a teacher, but the primary one I suppose was because I hate teaching. I am absolutely happy to admit that I don’t have the patience for it. Just ask my friend Zoe who asked for my help with her GCSE maths 20-odd years ago and still hasn’t forgotten about how awful it was. She’ll happily tell you that I’m not cut out for it.
It’s fine, I have other talents. Probably.
Other things that I hate include not being able to concentrate on what I’m doing (it’s fairly impossible to proofread one’s work with indignant screaming in the background) and being whinged at by two children simultaneously.
Incidentally, this homeschooling lark is working out a treat.
In case you don’t have kids and also live in some kind of underground bunker completely cut off from society and the news (lucky sod), or maybe are fortunate enough not to be in the UK right now, you might be unaware that thanks largely to the UK Government’s total incompetence and spiking Coronavirus deaths across the country, after one measly term back at school it is now homeschooling (or ’emergency education’, which seems more apt) season once again.
Unless you happen to be a keyworker – and I’m not sure that, even as an experienced bullshitter I could argue that what I do is important in any way, shape or form – the kids are at home, probably for the next month, maybe even longer. Hurrah!
Unlike last time, when the thought of having lessons at home was exciting and new, there is nothing novel or fun about this.
The kids know the score, and they know they can’t be arsed.
They want to be left alone to play Animal Crossing and Pokémon and don’t give a crap about maths lessons. They expend way more time and energy into not doing things than they ever would have to just to get them done (I can relate to this one, I guess).
Based on this morning, they’d much prefer to argue and trying to kill each other and quite honestly that would half the homeschooling load so I’m not fully against it per se, if only it wasn’t so loud and potentially messy.
The volume of work and expectations really seem to have ramped up too.
Compared with the last time when the closures were unexpected and the work hastily cobbled together by teachers trying their best in unprecedented times (I much preferred it when times were precedented, myself), this time it appears they mean business.
From chatting to friends, I’ve learned that some of their children are expected to tune in to whole days of live Zoom lessons (oof), others like mine have videos to watch on YouTube and worksheets which are expected to be completed and returned each day.
The teachers must be absolutely on their arses trying to keep up with it all.
Meanwhile, parents are frazzled and daydreaming of cracking open the wine earlier and earlier (OK, well I am), and the kids are doing everything in their power to get out of doing anything at all because even the swottiest of children hate doing anything that their parents tell them to do. That’s the law of children.
It’s challenging, but doable if you happen to have more devices than children, and time, and patience. Slightly more difficult if you have more than one kid, are trying to earn a living using your singular laptop, and your printer is a pile of ancient crap.
Oh, and the top tips for coaxing reluctant homeschoolers?
It was a lie. I catfished you. I have no tips.
Pass me the wine because this is a big pile of shit and I cannot bloody wait for that vaccine to get rid of this bastard virus so the kids can go back to school, and we can all go to the pub.