I am now 42 and a half years of age. I know I don’t look a day over 40, but it’s true.
Now, I was quite content with slipping into middle age even in my mid-30s, but when it comes to my health, I don’t feel quite so relaxed about it. I would have liked to have aged gradually, but there’s been no gentle transition, no easing into anything. It’s happening exponentially, like an aggressive system update and my operating system can no longer cope with Life As Usual.
I thought I would catalogue my downfall in a listicle style article, and here we are. In the past two months alone, the following has happened:
1. My eyes have given up on driving
Eighteen years after having Lasik laser eye surgery, I am now a glasses wearer again. We had a good run, and I’d do it again.
To be fair, this hasn’t happened overnight, but I finally decided that not feeling entirely safe to drive as soon as the sun started to go down was probably not something I should just quietly accept when I could simply go to the opticians. It only took me a few years to get around to making the appointment.
As prescriptions (and costs!) go, it’s barely anything compared to how they were before the laser surgery (we’re talking -0.5 rather than a hefty -9 in each eye) and I only need them occasionally and at night, so I’ll take it.
2. I have apparently been listening at half capacity (which explains some things)
While I was at the opticians, they offered me a free hearing test and I said yes, because I am a responsible adult and also enjoy free things.
Plot twist; It turns out I am basically deaf in one ear – the chart was pretty damning. The audiologist was genuinely lovely, but at the end when she told me a single hearing aid was almost two grand I burst out laughing. I mean. Come on. Be serious now. I am a single parent who shitposts on the internet for a meagre living, in what world do you think I have two thousand English pounds to spend on listening to my kids whining in HD?
Fortunately, the good people of Facebook pointed out that I could go via the NHS, and that I probably should, given the small matter of untreated hearing loss being linked to dementia. So that’s what I’ve done and the referral is now in place.
It does explain a number of things, including why I can never follow Teams meetings, and why I occasionally respond to conversations in a way that suggests I’ve interpreted them creatively rather than accurately.
It also feels like a very retroactive ‘fuck you’ to an ex who used to get annoyed when I asked him to repeat himself because he said I never listened to him. Dickhead.
3. I thought my sleep couldn’t get worse, but my Garmin disagrees
I am two months into HRT, which is broadly going well.
I feel a bit lighter, a bit happier, and slightly less likely to cry or commit a low-level crime, which is a solid improvement. Perimenopause is a total bitch and if your symptoms are affecting the quality of your life then please, go to your doctor.
Unfortunately, it has not made my skin look youthful, it has not filled me with enough energy to run a 5k at 6am or take up circuit training, and it has not magically fixed my sleep as I had hoped. Even on odd occasion where I go to bed insanely early and wake up feeling reasonably human, I am awarded a score of around 65 by my Garmin watch, which feels less like useful data and more like a critique.
I’m not sure what constitutes a good sleep anymore, but apparently I am not achieving it.
4. My body has started providing feedback, and it isn’t happy
My neck does not enjoy long days sat at my desk, and tells me so every evening. No amount of repositioning my chair or pummeling myself with a massage gun helps. It could be how I’m sleeping, but how the hell do you change how you sleep after 42 years?
My knee has also decided it’s not playing. It does not enjoy going up stairs, down stairs or any kind of impact. Running is out. Cycling is questionable. Even driving in traffic is irritating and potentially uncomfortable.
Neither has been injured, but both have started contributing their thoughts at various points throughout the day. Less ‘pain’ and more ‘ongoing commentary’.
5. I can no longer drink alcohol, at all, ever
OK I’m being dramatic. I still do drink, on occasion, but one glass maximum if I have to do anything at all the next day and definitely not late in the day.
That bottle of wine in front of the telly on a random Wednesday? Few pints at the pub quiz before work the next day? Can’t do it. Will fuck up my sleep well into next week.
The wine industry is, I assume, deeply affected by this development, and for that I can only apologise.
On the plus side, it does free up some budget for essentials like glasses and ibuprofen gel.
6. I can no longer be touched while sleeping
There was a time when being gently cuddled in the night was considered nice, but that time has passed.
Now, if my boyfriend so much as places a hand on me while I am asleep, I wake up instantly with a level of irritation that – looking at it now in the rear-view mirror – feels wildly disproportionate to the situation but lingers well into the next day.
It’s not personal. I quite like him.
But at 3am, any form of unexpected physical contact is treated as a direct and unnecessary disruption, and I respond accordingly.
He has been informed that he is welcome to stay overnight, but strictly on his side of the bed, for everyone’s safety.
Given all of the above, I’ve decided that while my body may be ageing rapidly, my personality will not be following suit.
If anything, I’ve doubled down.
More frog fountains. More puerile jokes. More making fun of stupid men on the internet. Small, pointless things that bring immediate joy.
It may not be mature, but it does feel like a reasonable balance.
If you enjoyed this and you’re feeling generous, you can buy me a cup of tea or a glass of wine – or donate to my houseplant addiction fund – here.
You can also see my Amazon wish list here.