Day six of ‘watching Christmas films and reviewing them every day until I am sectioned’ and I went into Our Little Secret with my guard up and my standards low.
What I did not expect was a film with decent pacing, coherent character motivation, and a heroic amount of interpersonal mess that never once made me want to scream or hurl my remote at the wall.
This already puts it ahead of 90% of the genre.
The setup of Our Little Secret is strong and mercifully brisk:
Avery (Lindsay Lohan, beautiful but exceptionally smooth of forehead) and Logan meet as children in 1996 via a little cartoon prologue.
They grow up, fall in love, and then, in a spectacularly cursed sequence, break up at Avery’s surprise going-away party involving a drunk proposal, emotional blackmail, a dead mother being dragged into the argument, lots of sobbing and a man yelling at the sky like God personally stole his girlfriend.
Ten years later, we’re in 2024.
We’ve efficiently time-jumped via news clips. This film really doesn’t fuck about or waste time, and I love it for that.
Avery is successful, emotionally contained, and dating Cameron, a finance bore who believes talking about Bitcoin is a personality and probably updates his LinkedIn daily.
Logan is less glossy, more earnest, dating Cassie – a woman with strong Live, Laugh, Love energy and the emotional depth of a decorative bowl filled with pinecones.
Naturally, both couples are heading to meet their partner’s families for Christmas for the first time.
Naturally, those families turn out to be the same family.
Naturally, Kristin Chenoweth is the bitchy mum, Erica.
From this point on, the film becomes a four-day festive pressure cooker of secrets, proximity, and escalating chaos.
Avery and Logan decide it’s easier if they pretend not to know each other, so no one gets jealous or weird about it. They are forced into shared errands (Christmas tree acquisition, a late night car journey to solve an estate agent fuck-up), and very quickly slide into emotionally comfortable territory.
They’re lying, but it’s OK because the people they’re lying to are blatantly terrible. Right?
And this is where Our Little Secret really shines, because it commits fully to the idea that everyone in this house is cheating, lying, or deliberately turning a blind eye.
Let’s take stock:
- Cameron is very obviously cheating on Avery with Sophie, a beautiful former almost-girlfriend who turns up to Christmas like a narrative landmine.
- Erica’s husband is having an affair with a family friend, Marge, who is Sophie’s mum.
- Logan and Avery are quite possibly, technically, emotionally cheating for most of the runtime, complete with late-night confessions, shared grief, and ‘I understand you’ energy. In a nice way, you know. We’re rooting for them.
- Cassie is a bit of a social climber and lying about Logan’s job and prospects. She clearly doesn’t love him for who he is. What a bitch.
- Callum, the 18-year-old brother, knows everything and is blackmailing Avery and Logan like a festive sociopath.
The film wisely leans into farce when appropriate: Avery accidentally eats most of a packet of CBD gummies, humiliates herself in church by quoting Kool & The Gang during a Bible reading, frames the dog for a cookie massacre, and triggers a completely unnecessary $1500 vet visit.
None of this overstays its welcome, and crucially, none of it derails the emotional spine of the story.
Kristin Chenoweth is excellent, of course.
Her character is loud, controlling, emotionally distant, and – twist! – fully aware of her husband’s infidelity and remarkably unbothered.
The main characters are – gasp – alright
I mean I have watched a LOT of shit so at this point it’s possible my standards are through the floor, but comparatively, Avery and Logan are likeable and ‘real’.
What’s most refreshing is that, unlike most women in Christmas romcoms, Avery is allowed to choose herself more than once, and unlike most guys in Christmas romcoms, Logan lets her.
She leaves ten years ago. She sets a boundary later. She walks away again when things are too messy. Logan watches her go and is super sad, but crucially does not turn into a shouting, door-punching Christmas psycho, which is depressingly rare and therefore notable.
The film doesn’t punish her for ambition, and while it flirts with retconning Logan’s worst behaviour as misunderstood grief, it never fully lets him off the hook.
When he asks for a second chance, it’s quiet, accountable, and ring-free. Growth has allegedly occurred. Love this for them.
By the time we get to the final act, complete with business redemption, a return to the small town™️ with house-buying symbolism, and New Year loneliness montages, the emotional beats actually feel earned.
Even the cartoon wrap-up wedding doesn’t feel like an insult.
Verdict:
Warm, funny, surprisingly sharp, and stacked with adultery like a festive trifle. Our Little Secret knows exactly who you’re meant to like and who you’re meant to despise, and for once, it’s right.
Most importantly, at no point did I feel the urge to shout OH FUCK OFF at my television, which in the Christmas romcom genre is the highest honour I can bestow and should probably be printed on the DVD box.
Rating: I give this one a 8.5 out of 10. It didn’t have any tacky Hallmark movie energy; we didn’t meet Santa, there were literally no talking snowmen or alarming prosthetics, and crucially it did not have the obligatory hot topless man, which may have gained it those extra points.
If you enjoyed this and you’re feeling generous, you can buy me a cup of tea or a glass of wine – or donate to my houseplant addiction fund – here.
You can also see my Amazon wish list here.
Started watching Our Little Secret and at halfway stopped. Do not honestly feel any compelling reason to continue. Honestly preferred Falling for Christmas which at least delivered some kind of dopamine rush in its inevitability.