Georgia and Theobald, a pair of circus performers from Didsbury, are looking to demolish their family castle and build a soulless 5000 square foot glass box with complicated jaunty angles suitable for their growing family (as long as their feral children stay strapped into their beds at all times and don’t touch anything).
They have poured all of their savings into the house and have a budget of £750 (but will eventually spend around £3million and never once explain where the extra money came from).
Welcome to Grand Designs!
I don’t watch anything in the way of reality TV – I’m more of a BBC drama girl myself – but I have long harboured a bit of a soft spot for Grand Designs.
However, I’ve come to realise that I don’t actually enjoy it at all when the people are in any way likeable. The only acceptable episodes to me are when the couple are unsufferable cunts, their priorities make absolutely no sense, and everything goes tits up. Perfection.
I recognise this may be a character flaw, but when someone is very very rich and deeply unpleasant I revel in their misfortune. (Hey Elon, how’s Twitter going?). One may call it jealousy, but I’m willing to bet I’m not alone in this. No one is watching that show for the design tips or for Kevin McCloud’s suits.
Anyway, it’s certainly popular for whatever reason; it’s been going for almost 25 years now (genuinely). During that time, I’ve been taking notes, and here is what I believe makes the perfect episode of Grand Designs:
They go over budget doing something fucking ridiculous
Can’t afford to build your kids a bedroom? Never mind, how about some tiles that are made of unicorn tears that cost a grand each. And maybe a first floor swimming pool. Worthy investment. What about making a fucking massive cantilever on the first floor just for the sake of it, adding a never-before-experienced level of complexity and cost to the build? Marvellous.
Like, seriously over budget
The very worst people are those that never seem to be overly concerned either. One I watched yesterday went a around 2.5 MILLION POUNDS over budget. Their budget was under 850k.
RIGHT NO BOTHER, I’LL JUST STICK IT ON THE AMEX.
The timeline slips back by several years
Who knew that building a complicated structure from, I don’t know, adamantium and kryptonite imported from Latvia which can only be welded together by one specialist in Guatemala would have complications. Who knew?! (We all knew).
Meanwhile, they’re all holed up in a dingy caravan or something.
They project manage it themselves
There’s a reason that you didn’t become a project manager for your day job, Carol. Because you’re no fucking good at it.
And micromanage everything
David, who has worked for 24 years in the pharmaceutical industry, has decided that he knows more about construction than John, a master builder with 40 years’ experience of large builds. MAKE IT MAKE SENSE.
And then fire their builder
When they part ways with the only people who’ve managed to deal with their nonsense to this point, you know it’s going to get really good. No reputable builder would leave such a project knowing that it would be televised unless they were absolutely convinced that the public would go ‘yea, I understand. I’d have fucked it off too’, so when this happens you are almost guaranteed that the people are awful (or extremely unlucky, but I don’t like those episodes. I CAME TO GLOAT, KEVIN. NOT TO FEEL).
The finished build doesn’t look like anyone lives there
I’m always excited when Kevin re-visits them at the end of the project to see what they’ve done internally, but more often than not it’s a huge disappointment because they all seem to opt for dull dull minimalist grey and white huntastic décor. Either that or they simply ran out of money for furniture.
I’m convinced that the only reason anyone goes on Grand Designs is because they have no idea what the show is, on account of NONE OF THEM HAVING TELLIES. Not one. Sure, some of them have cinema rooms but I’m not buying it; no one is watching Bake Off in 200 inch HDTV. Terrifying.
Also, they NEVER HAVE ANY FUCKING CURTAINS. Nor even any evidence that curtains have ever existed, not even in the baby’s room. Do these people not sleep in their ridiculous one-million-over-the-budget houses? Can they not find window coverings to fit their bespoke quadruple glazed Scandinavian windows? Do they just like waking up really, really early in the summer?
There’s a healthy dose of Kevin McCloud snark
He can actually be quite a bitch, which I love. Go on Kevin, tell those useless feckers what you think of their stupid house.
There’s an accidental pregnancy
Fuck knows how you manage to get pregnant when you’re living with your 3 kids in a damp caravan but I’m starting to suspect that Kevin has something to do with this.
It’s all alright in the end
I’m not such a bitch that I want to see them all fail completely and made homeless… I just like it when the unbearable couple are adequately humbled and promise never to do it ever again.
If you enjoyed this and you’re feeling generous, you can buy me a cup of tea or a glass of wine – or donate to my houseplant addiction fund – here.
You can also see my Amazon wish list here.
Dont forget all the family looking at each other sideways as they realise one of them has to die to explain the delay