Corona Lockdown week 7: In search of silver linings

Read the rest of my Corona Lockdown diaries here.

As we enter the next week of Coronavirus lockdown, it is starting to feel a bit like we may never be allowed out ever again.

After the sunshine of week four lulled us into a false sense of security, we’ve had a week of totally shit weather and even a lot of the people who were previously extolling the virtues of slow living, sourdough starters and enjoying the time to create have gone curiously quiet. I can only assume that after four weeks of homeschooling they’ve started contemplating gin on their cereal like everyone else.

A lot of bloggers have taken on something called the ‘Lockdown Silver Linings’ challenge. Weirdly, no one has tagged me to complete it, so I don’t really know what’s meant to be involved but I thought I’d come up with my own version.

Here are some of the (tenuous) ticks in the pros column of being in corona lockdown.

1. All the benefits of no school

Sure, there are downsides to the kids being off school and around the house all day with nowhere exciting to go. It’s almost impossible to get any work done, the house permanently looks like we’ve had an entire circus come to stay and somehow we are all supposed to be helping them learn phonics or fronted adverbials or quantum particle theory and in doing so slowly realising how stupid we have become since having kids and forgetting everything we ever learned.

On the upside, there are no school uniforms to wash every day, no PE kit to remember, no donations for the school fayre, no after school clubs to get to.

No school means no school run, so there is no daily battle to GET YOUR BLOODY SHOES ON.

I am getting a little nostalgic thinking about it to be honest.

2. Standards have never been lower and I’m here for it

I officially no longer give a shit about Joe Wicks or starting the school day on time and have instead taken to staying in bed for as long as possible in the mornings in order to make the day seem a little shorter, because fuck it, why not. My mum isn’t here to tell me off, I’ve no work or school run to get up for and I’m the adult, I make the rules and I say that lie-ins are the way to go.

A lot of the time we’re all in our PJs til midday, my hair isn’t washed anywhere near as frequently as it used to be, the house is generally a shithole… but it doesn’t matter because no one is calling round.

If it wasn’t for Instagram stories I probably wouldn’t bother getting dressed at all – thank god it exists, I guess.

Pro tip – even if you’re working from home and have to do online meetings, you only need to get dressed from the waist up.

Unless you’re this guy.

3. Every hour is happy hour

Lockdown is properly shit, and it feels like pubs are never going to be allowed to reopen (apart from Wetherspoons and quite frankly Tim Martin can go suck a fat one, the c*nt) but happily wine delivery is still a thing, and what better chance to try all the strange coloured spirits that have been lurking at the back of the cupboard since you brought them for a cocktail party in 2003?

Whilst not wishing to glamorise alcohol abuse, it’s a freaking pandemic and anyone that judges you for having a calming beverage when the whole world has gone to shit is a twat, so please yourself. It’s not like you have anywhere else to be.

4. Stupid hair is pretty much madatory

So go nuts; dye it pink, or blue, or cut yourself a new fringe. Everyone’s doing it.

I found a packet of hairdye under the sink which quite possibly pre-dates my youngest child being born and despite having spent several years trying to get rid of the traces of bad box dyes from yonder year, I went ahead and did it anyway.

But hey, once again, no one is going to see it outside of my immediate family.

And the whole of the internet I guess.

5. You can legitimately avoid people

Social distancing is obviously rubbish when it comes to the 5-20 people you actually want to see and hug and can’t, but I’m totally OK with it extending to the remaining 7.6 billion people in the world.

Up until 2019, it would be deemed rude to cross over the road to avoid bumping into someone annoying from work; in 2020 it’s mandatory and lack of adherence to the rules is likely to stir up a deep rage and get you named and shamed on the local Facebook group.

The best you can manage now is a friendly wave from two metres away, and it’s a godsend to the socially awkward who just want to get on their way without worrying about what kind of greeting is acceptable (a hug? A cheek kiss? A TWO cheek kiss?! Who does that?!) and whether it’s expected they’ll stop and talk about the weather.

Contact-free deliveries are the future; shouting ‘thank you!’ through the door while dressed in your PJs is the way things should be done. I’m pretty sure generations of Brits have been suffering small talk out of good manners with both sides dreading it, and now there is no need.

My Hermes drivers have of course been doing this for years, in fact sometimes the parcel doesn’t even make it on to the threshold, it’s that contactless.

6. The ‘we’re in this together’ mentality is heartening

By this I’m not referring to the ‘Keep Calm and Carry On and Clap for Boris Spirit of the Blitz’ mentality which I fear I do not subscribe to, but instead all my friends who are also waking up and thinking NOT ANOTHER BULLSHIT DAY UNDER LOCKDOWN, who are happy to drink wine on Zoom and talk about how their families are driving them crazy too with zero judgement.

7. And finally

There is a serious note in here somewhere about how people are recognising what is essential and what isn’t and finally respecting the healthcare workers, the teachers, the delivery men (not My Hermes ones, fuck those guys), the shop workers, the bin men and all the other essential workers – many of whom are earning minimum wage – risking their health daily to make sure that people can stay safe and have the things they need.

Wouldn’t it be great if the government remembered, when this is all over, who held the country together. I somehow suspect they won’t.