Today I’m lamenting my pre-baby life. Not because of anything serious, you understand, but because I’m finally getting around to sorting out my shoe cupboard and I’ve admitted defeat.
I’m never, ever going to wear those heels ever again.
They’re not practical anymore, and they’re taking up space. I’m probably too old for them anyway, along with a lot of other things. They have to go.
It’s a sad moment of realisation.
Oh I’m not stupid or super naive, I realised that having kids changed your life, however I’ll totally admit that I didn’t realise how blinking impractical a lot of things were for the average parent.
Here are some of those things.
1) Delicate technology
Such as expensive phones and iPads. I have learned this the hard way. You can have kids or you can have nice things, not both.
2) Three door cars
Cheaper, yes, maybe. But once you have children your sporty little pride and joy with just enough boot space for your buggy will soon become your worst enemy once you have to wrangle a car seat in.
Strapping a planking toddler into an extended rearfacing car seat? Almost impossible. You’ll soon realise why mums drive such ludicrously big cars.
3) Nice handbags
I used to love handbags but as it turns out, when you have children there just isn’t enough space for the massive amount of nappies, wipes, milk, snacks, clothes, cloths, dummies, toys, etc, etc that you have to take with you EVERYWHERE you go.
If you do use them, they’ll only collect crumbs and melted crayons. Best leave them in the cupboard for a bit.
4) Things in white
Clothes, bedsheets, furniture, carpets in white are asking for it, really. Handprints, snot, muck, spills, mud… Children are hardwired to ruin things. Don’t make it too easy for them.
5) Trendy furniture
High gloss furniture is, so I’m told, totally bang on trend…but probably not when covered in fingerprints and general toddler gunk.
Similarly, anything made from glass is just a no-no. If your child doesn’t put their arm through it, they’ll smear things on it.
Furniture now has to be carefully selected to be practical with as few sharp corners as possible.
I used to have a lovely coffee table. I say used to, I still have it, only it’s in the garage where it has lived since my smallest was getting about and pulling herself up on everything so we’re talking about four years now.
It’s not coming back any time soon; even at their age, the corners at face-height combined with their accident prone nature would make me constantly nervous.
6) Nice jewellery
When you have babies, anything dangling will be pulled on, necklaces will be used to garrote you, beads are a choking hazard…
Just like the lovely handbags, it’s best to put them away for a couple of years…
7) Long hair
As a long-haired little girl I sometimes wondered why my mum and all my friend’s mums had short hair. Did your hair stop growing when you were a mum? Or perhaps it was to look like Princess Diana? Well, maybe.
But now I realise it’s because when you have a baby, long hair makes life so much harder
Even if your baby is placid enough to allow you the time to wash and maintain it without going into meltdown, it will get pulled. All the time. It will get sick, milk, poo, bogies and food in it. Admit defeat and treat yourself to a hair cut.
8) Long fingernails
Even if you’re very used to doing daily tasks with long fingernails before you have children, it something worthy of the Krypton Factor to change a nappy with long fingernails, and you don’t even want to think about what lies underneath them.
9) Alarm clocks
Not impractical as much as just… pointless. According to a new survey from Happy Beds, 26% of people don’t use an alarm clock. I bet they, too, are parents.
10) Long films
The last time I managed to watch a whole film in one go was… A long time ago. These days there is no point in putting one on because I know I’ll get half way through and either be called to attend to a small child or else fall asleep.
If it requires your full and complete attention then you’re going to spend more time asking questions than relaxing and enjoying. Hey Duggee, that’s where it’s at.
11) Heavy drinking
You’ve never known pain until you’ve done soft play on four hours’ sleep and a ranging hangover. But if you do do it, then be sure to read my tips on how to cope here.
Can you think of anything else you’ve given up on as a parent because it was just too impractical?
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