It is a truth universally acknowledged that when you’re solo parenting your children will be up multiple times in the night and then wake up obnoxiously early.
I once wrote about a solo parenting weekend. I don’t do them that often; less than a lot of people, and definitely less than the wonder women (and men, of course) who do it all day, every day with the occasional break of a few hours so their exes can boast about being parent of the year… and for that I’m eternally grateful.
But when they do happen I can promise you that the following things will occur:
1) No one will go to bed on time
And, although I should take the opportunity for an early night… I inevitably don’t. Even though I know that I’ll be up in the night and/or early. That’s just how I roll.
2) One or more children will wake up in the night
Of course they will. Why wouldn’t they?
And they’ll want daddy, but he won’t be here, and so they’ll cry, and they’ll be up for ages for no good reason even if they haven’t done it in ages.
3) … And wake up really early
Hello 5.23am, how nice to see you said no parent ever.
I have to admit that despite being fairly well versed in it, I don’t deal with lack of sleep well. If I’m tired, I can’t be arsed at all. It really helps the weekend go quickly.
4) I will somehow have run out household essentials
For example, milk or bread or in a worst case scenario, loo roll, chocolate or wine. But I don’t have the car at my disposal and obviously can’t nip out to get anything once the kids are asleep.
5) Someone will usually be sick
If it’s not one of them, it’s me, but there is nearly always vomit, poop, phlegm or something else unnerving and disgusting to deal with.
6) Something will get broken, lost or otherwise cause a breakdown
There is no greater time for the dishwasher to pack in than when you’re facing a whole week alone while Daddy is in Ireland for work.
This time wasn’t so bad, but him heading off into the sunset just as the last set of crappy batteries run out of the prized new Ariel doll was fun.
7) There will be a kid’s birthday party to attend
You can’t ask a friend to reschedule their wedding just because your wife doesn’t really like going to children’s parties alone, apparently.
8) I will let the dog out in the garden and forget about him for a little while, he’ll make a break for it and I’ll have to run down the street after him in my slippers
EVERY TIME. Bastard bloody dog.