Friday, 4 November 2016

Going viral: The universal truths of suffering a housewide sickness

Going viral: The universal truths of suffering a housewide sickness

And so, just like that, Autumn is well and truly upon us and we are careering at speed towards winter.


The clocks have gone back, the pumpkins lay mouldering in the compost bin (or they would if I could remember to take them out) and fireworks night is on its way.

Predictably, with it comes the colds, the croup, the snot... Just like last year. F*cksake.

I mused last week about how I always seem to be ill on my birthday and this year was no different. What started as a brief cold and the assumption that I was merely under the weather due to epic tiredness soon became almost a week of doing pretty much nothing, with a charming backdrop of constant whining and being sad (and CBeebies, which now seems to consist mainly of Swashbuckle. FFS).

These are the lessons I have learned.

1) It lasts forever.
OK, it doesn't actually last forever - just six months or so, based on last year's shit show. What I mean it it never just happens all at once, one really crap week and then it's over; the first one will get ill, then just as they're starting to perk up a bit the other one starts looking peaky and then, just as you think you might be able to start integrating back into normal society, BAM, you get it too. That's just how it goes.
2) Nights will be awful.
You already knew this one, duh. Think back to those newborn days, the four month sleep regression, the eight month sleep regression, the OH MY GOD HOW CAN YOU ACTUALLY GET WORSE AT THIS? sleep regression. Waking up every 45 minutes and needing to be soothed back to sleep. It SUCKS. And the coughing - Oh, the coughing! Why is it always so much worse at night? And why does everyone need to sleep in my bed?

3) Your routine, such as it is, will go to shit. 
You aren't going to stop a sick kid from napping on you at 4pm, especially if if means that you can justify sitting on your arse and watching Bake Off (am I pleased with the result? Not really. #TeamSelasi).
Of course this means they won't be tired again until about midnight, and then they'll not go down in their own bed... but hey, you were going to be up every hour anyway and at least you might get something of  lie in (if 8am can be classified as such and FYI in this house yes it can) maybe?

4) You will be BORED BORED BORED
And so will the kids. They will be bored, and they will fight. But what are your options? You can't very well take them to soft play when they're streaming with snot, and if you're feeling like a tonne of crap yourself you're unlikely to want to take them out on an invigorating stroll. So you basically stick the TV on and let them ruin the house because it seems better than having to get dressed into normal people clothes.
5) You will feed them anything just to get them to eat
I've stopped even caring about vegetables for the time being; when they won't even contemplate beige food, you really have to bring out the big guns. After two days of completely refused meals, daddy took a trip to the 'crap' aisle in Sainsbury's just to find something to tempt her, but to no avail. So we now have a packet of hot dogs, a large tub of mini cheddars and a lot of ice cream to make our way through.

6) There is nothing like the panic when you run out of Calpol
Quick, stockpile some of the sweet nectar of STFU and go to sleep while you're healthy enough to get to the pharmacy.

7) You will have lots of time to write, but Jack shit to blog about
Even just nipping to the shops I can take fifty Insta-worthy photos (worthy of my Instagram, not anyone else's, granted) but limited to the same four walls my Insta game is not strong and funny shit just doesn't happen. I'm not going to get a whole blog post out of the fact that the postman looked a bit judgy when I was in my PJs at 3.25pm (to be honest I'm a bit judgy that my post didn't arrive until the middle of the afternoon, but whatever) or the fact that the small one, who has recently developed a rather cute cleaning obsession, decided to clean my jeans by dunking a cloth in a potty full of wee (big one is like a urinating ninja these days) which is why I was wearing my pyjamas at 3.25pm.
So yea, you end up with a really crap blog post that week. So...um....sorry about that.


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29 comments:

  1. Oh I hate it the never ending sickness. Youngest's first half-term saw her being sick 5 weeks out of 6! This was the first week that she managed the whole week without sickness in forever (well 5 weeks). I actually cheered when I realised this. It is hard when they are ill. Cabin fever and poorly children are the worst. Hope you are all feeling better now #KCACOLS

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  2. Yep - totally get this especially nos.2 and 5 - twin 1 is surviving essentially on biscuits at the moment :-(. #KCACOLS

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  3. Seriously though, there's nothing quite like that panic when you realise the calpol bottle is empty! x #KCACOLS

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  4. Last time we run out of Calpol I asked The Husband to go out and get some (read, 1), and he came home with 3. I don't think he'll ever run out again! ;-) #KCACOLS

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  5. Oh god I remember this! One half term I went to the doctor five times in a row. Daughter 1. daughter 2, daughter 3, myself and then daughter 1 again. I wanted to paint a black cross on the door. Hope you get some rest soon. #KCACOLS

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  6. Hope everybody feels better soon. My five year old was up all night coughing. Not fun #KCACOLS

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  7. You made me laugh out loud as always. That postman better stop judging if he's bringing your post that late! I'm currently suffering with bad cough thanks to my class who love to share their germs. Hope you're all feeling better soon x #KCACOLS

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  8. Sick days (weeks) are the worst - you can see all the stuff to do when you're better piling up, but you're powerless to stop it... #KCACOLS

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  9. And when the sniffles have gone through all of you it starts again!! I would live in my pj's if I could lol. And you are right to judge a postman that doesn't arrive until nearly 3.30 lol.
    #KCACOLS

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  10. Sick days are awful for everyone - kids or grown ups..it doesn't matter. I guess a glass of wine could help sooth the hard time though - only for adults!:) #KCACOLS

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  11. hehe I feel your pain because we had never ending colds and coughs when b was younger. and you are right, its so much worse at night! hed end up with this barking cough and sometimes it would make him puke. yay. not. fun times ey. Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday!

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  12. Oh gosh, running out of calpol is the worst!! Especially in the middle of the night! x #KCACOLS

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  13. Uh oh! I hope everyone gets better soon. I can almost handle their illnesses but I can't handle my own. If I'm ill, I need them to be ill too so they're not full of beans forcing me to play horses with them. I hate being rode around the lounge like a horse while I'm not far from death. So I know how you feel, we all had flu last year and it was hell. Look forward to the 'we're all better' blog post ;) #kcacols

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  14. To coin an annoying phrase you made lemonade out of lemons. Very funny. I am with you here. When will the snot stream ever stop?!! #Chucklemums

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  15. I hate sickness. We had a week in Feb half term when the eldest was ill all week, I was 33 weeks pregnant and we had no car for the week. Oh and Mr Jones was 2 hours away on a course. It was a shit week!! #chucklemums

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  16. I feel your pain, since my daughter started going to nursery in July we've been sick constantly since. She never completes a whole day as she's always got a bloody temperature! #chucklemums

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  17. THE SWEET NECAR OF STFU omg I love it!

    #Qchucklemums

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  18. I am SO bored of the snot carousel already #chucklemums Oh and PS... Bloody Swashbuckle.

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  19. Yes to all of this. I've just had a text from my MIL informing me she's currently drowning in a sea of snot, so that's something for me to look forward to when I finish my 9 hour day at work. Pray for me. #chucklemums

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  20. Lol at the judgy post man and the story behind PJs! You've managed to extract the funny from the mundane/snot whirligig so good on ya! #chucklemums

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  21. I am blessed with a child that can vomit on demand just by coughing. She didn't fancy cucumber sticks at nursery today and so coughed. 5 minutes later she was being escorted home by her grumpy mum (me) with a 48 hour nursery exclusion. I hate this time of year and I'm really not fond of coughs. Hope you're all on the mend soon! x #chucklemums

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  22. I swear to god when my Daughter gets even a hint of a cough my body goes into panic mode and I start mentally preparing myself to sleep on the toddler mattress on the floor in her room. Eugh. #chucklemums

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  23. I fully subscribe to feeding them anything to make them eat. Greg had crisps and cake for the first ever time because he was poorly and refusing food. Now if he hears the rustle of a packet open within a 3 miles radius, his ears prick up!

    #KCACOLS

    (http://accidentalhipstermum.com)

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  24. I never thought i'd be one of those mums that doesn't wipe their children's noses (pre children it was always a bug-bear of mine seeing kids with a constant candlestick hanging down). Yet now I find myself letting it grow until it gets to lip level - there is no point wiping because within seconds another will appear - if not on child 1, then on child 2, or on me! I'm so bored of wiping noses. Wish they could develop a snot cup similar to moon cup or something. Hmmm... Yes, autumn/winter bugs suck.... hope you are snot and carefree for BlogFest this weekend. See you there! #chucklemums

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  25. You know how this post made me stock up on Calpol just in case? Well we've got through a bottle already - it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. Fml #chucklemums

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  26. My two seem to be passing a cold/virus/cough between them for fun I think. It's so exhausting! Also you just reminded me that my calpol stocks are dangerously low!!
    #KCACOLS

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  27. I have 5 bottles of calpol, 2 for the boy three for me that I can swig from the bottle in the night when I feel shit. I hate colds too and have extra sympathy that you have two little snot fiends. It especially freaks me out when the snot streams to there top lip and they lick it, whilst looking straight into your eyes. I have started eating those children's vitamin c teddy bears like Haribo..#KCACOLS xx

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  28. Love this!! We are EXACTLY in this stage at the moment - so fed up of the snot already! That said, I've turned in to that mum who doses her kid up and takes them off to baby groups full of cold... well it's good for the immune system and sharing IS caring!! #kcacols

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  29. Oh my this took me back to the dark times pre-christmas...a poorly sick bored boy and a newborn. I'm feeling a bit anxious thinking about it!

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