Last week, Rishi Sunak, the billionaire Chancellor of the Exchequer and wannabe man-of-the-people, made a bit of a tit of himself by posing for a pre-Spring Statement photoshoot which involved him pumping petrol into a Kia Rio. Fairly obviously to everyone who isn’t terminally hard of thinking, the car didn’t in fact belong to him and it later emerged that he borrowed it off one of the staff members at Sainsbury’s. Credit where it’s due, it’s better than just buying it for the photo op and putting it in the bin afterwards, I guess.
Why the Tories feel that every announcement needs a photo op with it is beyond me.
I blame Liz Truss, who seems to think that her role mainly revolves around looking into the middle distance, sometimes in hats, whilst simultaneously being embarrassingly incompetent.
Rishi (or someone that works for the Government trying to curate his image and doing a shocking job of it by all accounts) thought, sensibly, that it might not be a great idea to announce that millions more UK people are going to be plunged into poverty with a picture of Rishi’s chauffeur putting petrol in the Bentley. They thought that the common person (that’s you or I) would prefer to see him rolling his designer sleeves up, getting dirty with a Normal Family Car (even if he needed step by step instructions on how to do it first).
He then went into the petrol station to pay for his fuel and a can of coke, which he embarrassingly fucked up too, giving the impression he has never done it before.
The people running our country are so far removed from reality that they don’t know how tills work.
‘Kinell. We’re up shit creek and the Tories have long fucked off with the paddles.
Anyway, it’s going to take some hard work to crawl back from that, so here are some tips for Rishi – or in fact for you, if you happen to be a multi-millionaire who wants to make pretend like you understand the struggles of the person on the street.
1. Travel
With most workplaces lacking helipad and runway options, lots of Normal, Common People do drive although thanks to the unprecedented rise in fuel prices, it’s increasingly not an option for many. The average family tend to have the choice of just the one car per person rather than a garage full of Aston Martins, the birthday Lambo and the collection of vintage weekend runarounds, and they have to drive it themselves – which is OK, because their workplaces don’t offer subsidised champers at lunchtime.
Buses are a popular form of public transport. These are like long cars, filled with people who look fed up.
London’s tube system is similar; it’s a train which runs underground, full of people looking fed up and sweaty. Should you venture down to a subterranean level that mere mortals can access, do not ask where first class or the buffet car is as this could lead to awkwardness.
2. Housing
The majority of people own between zero and one house, which they tend to live in themselves with their family. Some people live in what’s called a ‘rented’ house, which means they pay a rich person over the odds to live in that person’s spare house, which the renter can’t afford to buy because rich people have already bought them all. Ah, capitalism.
When entering someone’s house, resist the urge to ask where the rest of it is. Some properties don’t have wings, which I know is a difficult concept to grasp, but asking where someone’s second drawing room is can result in embarrassment.
3. Money
Learning how to pay for things when out and about might be a strange idea to most Tory MPs but it’s a stellar tip in appealing to the common person.
Firstly, cash may be an unfamiliar or threatening concept, but it’s easy really. I suggest you familiarise yourself with some of the lower denominations in case you’re ever quizzed about it. Throwing away any currency under, say, £10, might be better for the line of your suit but it’s a little tasteless.
Contactless is a way of paying for things with a debit or credit card and not just a way of avoiding the peasants.
4. Pastimes
Sport isn’t my thing, but it’s a popular pastime for millions and you could get some super kudos by pretending you have a football ‘team’ and learning a few key phrases so you can talk to people who probably don’t spend their weekend hunting foxes and clay pigeons or whatever. Come on Manchester Palace Rangers, On My Head Sonny!
People also like drinking. Consider posing with a pint of beer inside a pub to let people know you’re just like them, despite the fact that you don’t actually drink.
5. Family life
Many people still choose to have children, even when they know they won’t be able to afford to send them to private school. Some of us don’t even have nannies and have to spend our weekends and holidays enjoying what’s known as ‘family time‘.
For those unlucky folks for whom ‘holidaying’ is not generally a verb, spending down time jetting off for ‘ski season’ or nipping to the holiday home in the Bahamas for the weekend in ones private jet just isn’t an option. Holidays for the average UK family might include some air travel (probably not turning left on the plane, though) or, more commonly, travelling within the UK and staying in what’s known as a ‘static caravan‘; a small plastic box filled with uncomfortable beds and a strange odour.
There will be what’s known as ‘entertainment‘ but instead of burning banknotes in front of homeless people it’s more likely to be bingo.
6. The cost of living
Nothing is more embarrassing as the person in charge of the national budget than being asked a hard-hitting question such as ‘how much is a loaf of bread?‘.
Fortunately you don’t even need to send your staff off to the local farm shop every time an interview is looming, for you can just check Ocado – or any other supermarket website – from time to time.
NB ‘Supermarkets’ are big buildings with food in them which people can buy food for money, if they have any, a bit like the food banks that you’ve probably posed in but ones that make huge profits.
By following these helpful tips, you too can appear like a normal, average person.
Loosen your Armani tie and get stuck in!