I think by now you’ll probably be aware that I’m not shy about stuff, and I also like to make jokes, usually at my own expense.
So, after a very long soak in the bath, and the occurrence of the ‘afterbath’ (if you know, you know) I tweeted this:
LOL right? I shared it on my Facebook page and then almost instantly it was nicked and posted by pages much bigger than mine, for the wider world to see. I guess I always knew that somehow, my vagina would make me famous.
Most men were like – wow. I did not know this and I now wish to un-know it.
Fair enough, vaginas aren’t for everyone.
Now, if you’re a woman reading it for the first time, you’re probably either thinking ‘ah, yes. I relate’ OR you might be thinking ‘What the fuck, is this real? This has never happened to me’.
If you’re in the ‘what the fuck’ camp then I can assure you, it is most definitely a thing.
It happens after baths, after swimming, when you’ve gone down a water slide, and it can be annoying AF, amusing or just one of those things. Vaginas do much worse to us on a monthly basis, it ain’t no big thing.
From the comments, I learned that lots of people have, and many haven’t experienced it – and that’s cool.
Individual differences you know?
However, everywhere it was posted, it quickly became a writhing hotbed of internalised misogyny:
This is so not true. No one has experience this, it’s made up.
Your vagina is broken, this isn’t supposed to happen.
You’re just pissing yourself and blaming the bath!
You seriously need to do your Kegels.
Baggy bucket vag alert!
– Various dickheads on Facebook
Talk about the sisterhood.
Anyway, these women are dead wrong.
In the words of a certified physical therapist who happened to comment on my Facebook post:
Nope [it is not to do with pelvic floor]. Certain positions of the human body will create more inter-vaginal space, which would suck in air/water/Cheetos….basically whatever is in the immediate environment. Then, when the body resumes the less vacuous vaginal position, out comes whatever got sucked in. Absolutely no pelvic floor dysfunction implications.
– Kara Strauss, Physical Therapist
If this does happen to you, it isn’t a sign that you need to do more Kegels (mine are bloody excellent, as it happens; I’ve not pissed myself in at least 30 years) or that you have some kind of weird elastic vagina – although even if you did, that’s not something to be ashamed of. A super tight vagina isn’t the gold standard – who the fuck taught you that it should be? Dear lord. Stop hating yourselves, stop hating your own bodies for fucks sake.
The ‘afterbath’ effect (or ‘foonami’, snort) is something that happens, to MILLIONS of women.
It isn’t some weird thing that you need to be ashamed of.
It’s not just something that happens to women who’ve had babies out of their vaginas (hello), it happens to young women, older women and everyone in between. Sure, the natural shape of your body and bits, the angle you lie at and how long you wallow for probably affect the probability of it happening, but ultimately it is a NORMAL bodily function.
Just like queefing. Another fun topic for another time.
(In fact, if you think about it, if you happen take on water and then it gushes out immediately, surely that is the opposite of having tight muscles which keep it inside you for a while, so the assumptions behind made about it being due to a lack of Kegel muscles etc don’t even make sense).
And yet, many hundreds of women thought it was something they could use to make themselves feel superior to other women.
To vagina shame. To mock a part of a woman’s body which they have absolutely no control over the shape, size or dimensions of.
It really was quite something to behold.
If this brief brush with viral vagina fame has taught me anything, it’s that some women will literally use any excuse to bash others and it’s insane.
Why do we need misogynists (like this dickhead below), when women are behaving this way every day towards each other?
Ladies, your vaginas are ALL wonderful.
Don’t let horrible people in Facebook comments judge your vagina. It makes me very sad to see. I can laugh it off – I happen to know that I have a fantastic vagina – but for every person like me there are many others reading it, who feel embarrassed and are hurt by the ignorant, judgmental (and anatomically nonsensical) words.
You can’t control what your vagina is like, but you can control the comments you leave on social media.
Be the person who raises other women up, not beats them down in an attempt to make yourself feel superior.
Right, as you were.
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I’m actually so glad to have found this post! My vagina will always fill up with water if I slide down in a bath.. and would kinda open up like cave whilst the water was still in there lol. Then back to normal when I stood up or pushed the water out. I’ve been thinking perhaps some thing was wrong or loose!