The last time I went to Amsterdam, I think I was in my early 20s. It might even have been my late teens – those being the days before Facebook existed, it’s impossible to say.
It wasn’t a crazy trip by any stretch of the imagination; I’m not saying we didn’t have a good time while we were there but there was no getting twatted in the middle of Vondelpark or skulking round the red light district, sex shows or anything of that ilk. Not really my cup of tea to be honest.
Although a lot of the trip is lost to the sands of time (aka my shit memory) I do remember going to the Heineken Experience (although not what it actually entailed, besides drinking beer) and being amazed by there being a C&A as ours in the UK had closed down years before. Blew my mind.
Unsurprisingly, 15 odd years and two kids later I’m still not of the crazy drug-taking mindset, and watching a live sex show performed by two people who have lost the lights behind their eyes is still something I’m keen never to experience.
Of course there is a completely different side to Amsterdam; the museums are world-class. However as much as I’d like to tell you that I went to Ann Frank’s House and the Rijksmuseum, I didn’t. I almost went to the Sex Museum, but it closes at 7pm, so I didn’t even do that. I mainly ate, drank and wandered.
I thought I’d write about my trip, even if it isn’t really useful as a travel guide. So, here is a not-very-useful guide to Amsterdam by someone entirely devoid of culture.
Safety
Regarding wandering around Amsterdam, there are two things which you should definitely know.
Firstly, you need to look left, and right, and left again before you cross any street because if the cars don’t get you, and you avoid the many MANY cyclists, then the trams might stealthily run you over.
Secondly, try not to fall into a canal. Some of them have zero barriers and according the the canal trip we took, cars still go into the canal every week.
If you’re as clumsy as me, make sure you put your phone down and watch where you’re damn going. OK, that’s the end of my PSA.
Food and drink
Having read my good friend Judith’s list of unfortunately named Dutch foods I was very excited about the trip from a culinary perspective. Who doesn’t fancy some slagroom?
It might not be the first thing that comes to mind about the city but the food and drink is actually worth the trip in itself if you’re a greedy bastard like me.
When you go to a bar in Amsterdam, you’ll usually have a list of small tapas-esque foods which include Bitterballen. I had no idea what Bitterballen were when I ordered them, but according to Wikipedia they are made by making a very thick stew thickened with roux and beef stock and generously loaded with meat, refrigerating the stew until it firms, and then rolling the thick mixture into balls which then get breaded and fried. They usually come with a mustard sauce. Eight was a challenge.
You must try these. They’re flipping awesome although I dread to think about the calorie content.
Also popular in bars as a snack are cheese sticks called Kaastengels, which look like little spring rolls stuffed with cheese. Again, probably not for the calorie conscious, but lovely with a pint or a cocktail.
Cheese is (obviously) a big thing in Amsterdam and there are cheese shops everywhere, usually with someone in traditional dress inside. Obviously they’re aimed primarily at tourists but hell; go in, try the cheese, but if you buy some try not to forget about it in your bag.
Dutch pancakes are also pretty damn good. They’re thicker than crepes but a lot nicer than American pancakes. I can recommend the apple and cinnamon pannenkoeken.
Just looking at the picture is making me jealous of myself.
Ah and Febo is something you’ll see – basically vending machines for junk food. People rave about them; I personally can’t think of anything worse but I’m not stoned, so there’s that. I got a picture anyway.
Also, there’s beer. So drink some of that.
Canal Trips
Take a canal trip. They aren’t expensive (I paid $13 for an hour’s guided boat trip) and even if your mind wanders and all you do is look at the pretty buildings and the houseboats, it will be worth it.
You might even learn some history about the city or something interesting like my little cars-going-in-canals fact above.
Shopping
I know, I know. It’s a waste to fly somewhere just to go to the shops. I am aware of this. And yet, I couldn’t resist these boots because they are the clompy footwear of my dreams
As I had taken hand luggage only, I had to wear them on the trip home. This meant taking them off and putting them through airport security, and they got pulled aside with my bag to do a search. This meant waiting for ages for the previous bags which had been pulled to be thoroughly searched and being slightly panicked that a. I was accidentally smuggling something awful I had no knowledge off and b. I might have to be taken off and strip searched or something hideous.
Once the three bags ahead of mine had been emptied and nothing was found, they looked at my boots and my bag, and then at me, and handed the lot over. I had 100% been profiled by my clompy shitkickers, and one look at my almost-Karen haircut (and probably my haggard face) was enough to persuade them that I was merely a mother in the throes of a midlife crisis rather than a rebellious teen likely to be smuggling drugs in my shoes.
I’m pretty offended tbh.
COVID restrictions
This might actually be a little useful for anyone planning to leave the county in the time between now and whenever they change the sodding rules again.
The Government site sets out the rules for each place but if you are travelling from the UK to The Netherlands, currently you currently need to have a negative lateral flow test done 24 hours before your flight (NHS tests do not count, you have to buy a test and they cost about £25), and then a PCR test already ordered and ready to take two days after you return home (again, this can’t be a free NHS test. Private PCR tests cost around £50). I believe this is due to change soon so that you’ll only need one of the cheaper LFTs on the way back too.
You must also print off evidence of your double vaccination status. You can get by downloading the NHS app and then requesting the document, which is valid for 30 days. I suggest you take this with you everywhere you go, as you may be asked for it and the NHS app QR code isn’t compatible with the scanners in Europe, because of course it isn’t. Sigh. Also, the day we went, the NHS app was down, so definitely print off your vaccine documents in advance. If you don’t have the vaccine, consider not putting yourself at risk and travelling, or just getting it. No one cares what you’re up to, Majorie, no one is tracking you. Take the damn vaccine.
I won’t lie, it’s very confusing, as you can’t check in on a BA flight until you’ve taken the tests and submitted the paperwork including the passenger locator form, which asks for a seat number, which obviously you won’t have as you can’t check in yet. The whole system is bobbins, but hopefully it won’t be for long.
Happy travels!
Fantastic. I really enjoyed these blogs. Thank you. 👍🏼🤗🤗