As the UK prepares itself for the 45th President of the United States of America, Donald Trump, to touch down in our home country, and the women of the United Kingdom feel their vaginas slam shut in unison, it got me wondering about the kind of world that my kids will be growing up into.
That made me pretty sad.
I think we were all hoping that by now, 18 months after he officially became President of the United States, Trump would be gone.
Impeached, disappeared up his own fetid arsehole, whatever.
Apparently though, we are in some kind of parallel universe and anything can in fact happen, so here we are; about to welcome him into our Very British Bosom and watch through our fingers as Theresa May acts as awkwardly as a half-human half-pterodactyl hybrid can.
Whilst I was trying to arrange my thoughts on the subject, my only-just-three year old came over and pulled on my arm and yelled at me until he had my undivided attention.
It struck me that this is not the only thing that Trump and my preschooler have in common.
Here are some other alarming similarities between Trump and my three year old:
1) Have ridiculous hair and orange faces
Although I can wash the Wotsit crumbs off if I’m so inclined.
2) Like building walls
“I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me – and I’ll build them very inexpensively. Out of Lego.” – My son
3) Perceive themselves to be better at things than they are
My IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it!
I can put on my socks ALL BY MYSELF.
Guess which is which.
4) Refuse to do what they’re told
Trump doesn't want to be controlled. In campaign, would often do opposite of what he was advised to do, simply because it was opposite
— Maggie Haberman (@maggieNYT) June 5, 2017
Just had to save my son who was trapped in a box after getting into a box when I told him if he went into the box he'd get trapped.
And yet I'm the one getting yelled at.#parenting
— Fran (@WhingeWine) July 9, 2018
5) Have teeny tiny hands
I am however hopeful that my son’s will grow with the rest of his body.
6) Say pretty embarrassing things about female anatomy
Like ‘mummy you have big boobies’ or ‘grab them by the pussy’.
7) Can’t drink water properly
8) Are prone to tantrums when they don’t get their own way
I’ll tell you, I spend a LONG time down a rabbit hole trying to find the perfect example of a Trump Tantrum but just couldn’t pick.
Let me direct you to this thread instead. If you have a spare half hour or so, enjoy.
— Daniel W. Drezner (@dandrezner) May 20, 2017
9) Should be supervised at all times
Even Trump’s advisors admit that they have to watch him like a hawk and then spend the weekends praying he doesn’t do anything stupid. As for my son… Well, I refer you to the previous answer with the box.
10) Should not legally be allowed a Twitter account
Anyone for a covfefe?
12) Make up words
My son does this all the time. Bigly.
13) Struggle a bit with the basics of English language
Although usually I can work out what it is my three year old is trying to get at.
14) Are crap at geography
I doubt my son would know that Nambia didn’t exist but I bet Trump would probably think the Isle of Sodor was in Iran.
15) Are big fat liars
Trump says that London is like a ‘war zone‘ due to knife crime, and we should all just shoot each other instead or something as logical.
My son says his sister did it.
16) Don’t actually know what a president does
17) Blame other people for absolutely everything
I bet Obama is as sick of it as I am.
And of course they have the power to potentially start world war three and end the world.
Although actually that’s just Trump. My three year old isn’t that stupid.
Anyway, have a nice trip, President Trump.
I hope the plane doesn’t spontaneously combust or something and nobody spits in your covfefe.