We’ve all done it. You get carried away with festive spirit (mine is usually gin) and the next minute you’ve signed up for the office Secret Santa thinking ‘it’ll be a bit of harmless fun’.
Only rather than one of the colleagues that you actually don’t mind passing the time of day with, you’ve been allocated sexist dickhead Nigel from… well you haven’t actually figured out what department he’s from because you can’t stand him and you don’t care. You have five, ten, maybe fifteen quid to spend if you’re flash, and you hate the bastard, so what should you do?
As you know, I no longer work in an office, but I do miss it at this time of year, so I’ve teamed up with the hilarious Suzanne from and another ten things (go, go check it out!) to help make your festive season easier. You’re so very welcome.
Here are ten things (naturally) that you can (and should) buy, right now.
1) Scrotum Stress Ball
Nothing says ‘you stress me out so much that I want to squeeze your scrotum until your eyes pop out’ than a scrotum shaped stress ball that hangs beneath your desk. If subtlety is more your thing then why not sneak into your arch-nemesis’ office/house/car and leave loads of these pendulous beauties suckered around for them to unexpectedly brush against. Some people say bullying, we say BANTER.
2) Duck with a Dick
Get it here.
3) Spud Life Personalised Potato
And so the personalised potato was born and now you can tell Mike next door his breath stinks or Phillipa from the gym that she still owes you the £3.50 you lent her for a sandwich in 2012 in a non-confrontational and wacky way.
Why not buy enough to serve up for the whole family at Christmas dinner and tell everyone exactly what you think of them whilst you sup Prosecco in the kitchen like a boss?
I can’t think of a single reason why ANYONE reading this would not want to buy one, and you can do so, here.
You can no longer buy the message potato, who’d have known that this business idea would fail?
Why not send a ‘motivational’ postcard instead!
Can be sent entirely anonymously… Available here for just £5.
4) Crafting with Cat Hair
Get this hygienic and not at all super-weird book here.
5) Go Girl Female Urination Aid
There’s always that one woman at work who, whenever volunteers are needed or extra work to be done, always disappears to the toilet. Well, with Go Girl you can now tell them to stay the f*ck where they are and piss in their coffee cup like a real worker.
Buy one, now, here.
6) Natural Harvest
What to get the hostess with the mostest, who like to regale you with boring tales about social events to which you are not invited? Why not get her a copy of this lovely book! Doesn’t that look like a totes delish creme caramel? Wait, hold on. What does that say? It’s very small so you might have to squint.
I have literally no idea why anyone would ever buy this but you can do so here.
7) Smile Maker
Know someone with a face like a slapped arse? Then help them turn that frown upside down with the smile maker that, according to its Amazon description (which is littered with legal disclaimers just to fill you with confidence), stretches the muscles at the lip ends (wtf?). Apparently it’s great for “stewardesses, service jobs and people with expressionless faces” (is anyone else picturing a boiled egg with hair?) so sure to go down a treat with Dave, who everyone knows has had a really bad year but really will they just stop banging on about it for five minutes because it’s Christmas for f*ck’s sake.
Also, they’re only two quid. Bargain right? Get one here.
8) Haribo Gummi Bears (sugar free)
Except they’ll make you and everyone else that eats them shit themselves. Repeatedly.
You can read the brilliant reviews, and perhaps buy some for your full-of-shit boss, here .
9) Penis Mug
OMG I think you’re a massive bell-end and here’s the mug to prove it, complete with dubious wrinkle shading. Do you want creamer in that Sandra?
At under four quid, it’s a steal. Get it here.
10) Perfect Twat mug
Did you know, statistically, at least 34% of Secret Santa gifts are mugs? I mean, I made that up but it’s probably true, right? With such a wide range of really low-effort low-cost gifts available, it was hard to choose the best for this gift guide, but if the penis is too obvious for you, we quite like this slightly more subtle effort. If your Secret Santa is anonymous, it might just be five quid well spent.
You can get one for the biggest asshole you know, right here.
…And that’s it, until next year.
Hopefully we’ve made your life a little easier. Do let us know how it pans out. Maybe you think this guide is really immature and stupid and a waste of the internet, in which case I hope someone buys you item nine.
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This is a collaborative post.