You will forever be remembered as the year when celebrities weren’t safe in their own homes, when Britain made it really expensive to go to Europe and America outdid us by doing a complete derp. Oh, America.
For me, 2016 has had its ups (the occasional full night’s sleep, winning an award for this blog) and its downs (that holiday, my workplace being a bunch of inflexible wankers, lots of sickness) but overall my personal review of the year is slightly more cheerful; both kids have survived, both are still fairly cute.
With the new year should, if every other blog on the internet is to be believed, come some blogging goals, but I’m afraid you won’t find any here. Even if I knew what is I wanted to achieve, I find it preferable not to set goals and in that way I can’t fail to achieve them; it seems to be working for me so far.
I do tend to start the year with the vague notion that I should eat less crap and drink less alcohol, or at least undo the damage caused by the strict cheese-and-chocolate-only diet I’ve observed over the festive period, but by about the eighth of January it will have been one of those days, and a glass of Sauvignon Blanc and a Curly Wurly will be just too tempting. I’ll make the same half-arsed promises to myself this year, I’m sure, and completely fail to observe them.
However I am going to make some resolutions this year and actually mean them.
1) I will not eat anything pre-chewed.
Or the disgusting cold dregs of my children’s’ food, no matter how sad I am or how little time I’ve had to eat.
2) I will empty out my handbag at least once a month.
There really is no reason for me to take three conkers, a dummy and several broken crayons out to the pub.
3) I will not make the mistake of putting my finger down the back of a shitty nappy.
4) I will not consider removing poo/snot/vomit from clothing with a baby wipe as ‘washing’.
Although it will obviously do in a pinch. And on that subject…
5) I will never again miss a day of washing.
Even for a national holiday or birthday, and in so doing catapult myself into a laundry mountain of chaos and misery. Don’t f*ck with the system.
6) I will not pretend I can’t hear my children when they start whinging at night.
And let my husband get out of bed to deal with them
7) I will not use Peppa Pig as a bribery tool.
Especially since they now seem to prefer CBeebies.
8) I will play more.
Properly, on the floor and not glancing at my phone. Even thought the rules are mysterious but apparently very important. And really, can they not just play with each other?
9) I will shave my armpits regularly and properly.
I mean, if I remember.
10) I will not hide on the toilet and look at Facebook on my phone.