I actually shudder to share this as it’s from the Daily Mail, every rancid Brexiteer’s favourite hate-rag, but it made me laugh and I thought that perhaps you would enjoy it.
If you can face clicking on the link here, you can read in all its glory the poorly-written advice from their male “Etiquette Expert”, William Hanson, for mums on the school run.
(Just mums, not dads. They can do whatever they want, they’re already heroes I imagine. The bar is set fairly low, see all the ‘Doting celeb dad HOLDS baby daughter!’ articles. Or don’t).
Why do you need to care? Well, because (and I quote):
“Crude, crass and coarse behaviour just wont [sic – do you not have a fucking proofreader?] get you very far in life and sets a terrible example for children.”
After reading I am genuinely left wondering if the DM has attempted an ill-advised foray into satire, but it’s neither clever nor witty enough.
Still, serious or not, it’s pretty worrying that someone actually got paid to write this drivel.
Here are the actual ‘points’ from the article, helping us mere mortals become more Duchess of Cambridge and less Waynetta Slob (or ‘more lady than tramp’, fnar fnar, how funny) on the school run. You decide:
1) Avoid wet hair.
THE HORROR. People might KNOW YOU WASH. Don’t let the fact that you don’t care and nobody else cares either put you off, this is very important. It’s definitely worth wasting half an hour of your life (half an hour when you could be sleeping, even) daily.
The Duchess (who no doubt has a hairdresser and a nanny) would never fucking stand for it.
2) Be on time.
Well, duh. I mean that’s the aim isn’t it William? To get them there on time. We do try.
Never EVER allow your toddler to have a last minute tantrum or forget the lunch box and have to go back, or everyone will think you’re an awful human being.
3) No swearing.
No word from William yet on whether repeating FUCKSAKE under your breath x 100 counts.
4) Ditch the grab and go coffee.
Possibly just inject it straight into your eyeballs for a more playground friendly image.
5) Tights are still an essential.
Yes, in 1956.
6) Become well heeled.
I think our friend William has had a stroke. Three short paragraphs starting “Firstly, don’t even leave the house unless you can walk in heels” and ending “You can still look good without heels” so I’m not sure what he’s going for here. Definitely no proof readers left at the DM.
Personally I always find that heels are the perfect attire for running after kamikaze toddlers. The higher the better.
7) Keeping it under wraps.
No tits out for the teachers. Noted. God this is hard.
8) Style over substance.
Apparently “Clothes should complement a lady’s persona but not overshadow it”. Don’t overdo it or you’ll be a laughing stock; you want to be noticed for your beautiful well-made up face before your Vera Wang wedding dress, Sheila.
Or alternatively, you just want to get in and out in the quickest time possible without anyone talking to you whilst not wearing pyjamas.
Thanks William, that was enlightening.