December is here at last, and (unlike this time last week) it’s officially time to get festive.
Get that tree up if you haven’t already, dig out the Christmas jumpers, watch Elf, go nuts – it’s the season to be jolly and all that.
It’s also the season for me to repeat myself 1000 times every day too; here are my most overused December catchphrases that I’m already sick of hearing myself say:
1) It looks great (through gritted teeth)
Christmas is a time for making, baking and crafting and oh my God I’m really not mentally prepared for it.
It starts on the first:
The tree goes up.
The tree is decorated.
The kids go to bed.
I re-decorate said tree.
And that’s just the start.
There will be Christmas cards to create, perhaps a gingerbread house to decorate, and glitter and tinsel everywhere for an entire month.
2) It’s ONE DOOR EACH DAY
Children are not known for their patience, so whoever first thought that advent calendars for kids were a good tradition was out of their tree.
Why on earth would children who can’t wait for the 12 seconds between episodes of Paw Patrol to elapse without whining be able to wait 24 days to open all the doors to see what’s inside? It makes no sense.
How it’s currently going:
6.32am MUMMY, MUMMY, MUMMY! I NEED YOU MUMMY!
*As I stumble into the room, half asleep* I NEED THE FOUR NUMBER! SHOW ME!
And now they have chocolate calendars too…
Eating them quicker won’t make him arrive quicker, no… That’s not how time works.
3) Why not? It is Christmas after all!
Eating, drinking and being merry for a whole month is not ideal if you’re trying to lose that last stone (or so) of ‘babyweight’ (shhhhh).
The whole of December is basically spent being torn between embracing Christmas by making festive shortbread and washing it down with a pint of Baileys, and trying not to double my body weight before January.
Guess which is currently winning.
It’s a shame all my friends and relatives are so rubbish at supporting my mediocre weight loss efforts and my willpower is even worse.
4) Be good… Santa’s watching!
Threats of Father Christmas not bringing presents flow like hot lava from my lips before I’m even out of bed and I’m not even sorry.
Well a little sorry, I guess.
I wish that I didn’t spend all my time make empty threats about naughty lists and no Christmas presents but I also wish I had children that would Get. Dressed. rather than pissing about all morning and removing their socks while I’m trying to make their breakfast.
5) Leave the tree alone
And the tinsel, and the decorations, and the presents, and JUST LEAVE IT ALONE FOR GOD’S SAKE, FATHER CHRISTMAS WON’T LIKE IT.
He’s watching, you know. Did I mention that already today? Make sure you’re good! AND LEAVE THE DECORATIONS WHERE THEY ARE.
6) No, it’s not Christmas day yet.
Yes you have to go to school
I know, it’s not fair.
It is ages, isn’t it.