What my kids actually hear when I speak

Parenting and life

Child development is a miracle of nature.

An 8lb(ish) blob comes into the world incapable of doing anything besides screaming, pooping and eating and within six months, long before they can speak and respond, they can start to understand what you’re saying,

As the months pass you’ll probably notice them reacting to certain words, and then eventually saying things back to you. It’s a very exciting (and funny) time.

By the time they reach two they can usually comprehend pretty much everything you say, can follow simple instructions and even hold a conversation (of a sort, usually something to do with Peppa Pig).

Can.

If they want to.

Selective hearing seems to be a big problem plaguing children of all ages.

Often when I speak to my children they completely ignore me.

Right now, I’m waiting for them to put socks on. I first asked 47 minutes ago and have done so 7 times since in varying volumes and NOTHING.

So yea, they don’t listen at all. Or perhaps they just hear something very different?

Here are some of the things I say to my children… and what I suspect they actually hear.

What I say:

ANYTHING while the television is on/they are engrossed in playing.

What they hear:

Possibly just a low hum. NB The rustling of any kind of food packet is like a siren alerting them, no matter what else is going on.

What I say:

Don’t touch!

What they hear:

Go on. Dare you.

What I say v what my kids hear

What I say:

It’s time to leave for school, put your shoes on please!

What they hear:

Carry on whatever it is you’re doing and then when I ask you three subsequent times, ignore that too.

Probably shout a bit at the injustice of it all and remove an item of clothing.

Announce you need a poo.

What I say v what my kids hear

What I say:

Please be careful with that drink/food/paint please!

What they hear:

Go nuts! Make as much mess as you can!

Mummy can always clean it up, she really loves cleaning up.

What I say:

Dinner’s ready!

What I say v what my kids hear

What they hear:

I’m about to attempt to feed you something akin to raw sewage.

Refuse to entertain so much as one bite and say you’re full up, then complain that you’re hungry in 5-10 minutes and ask for a snack.

What I say:

Go on, just try a little bit of your dinner.

What they hear:

I bet the dog would like this, you should throw it on the floor and then he can enjoy it.

You can always have toast, again.

What I say

Let’s take a photo! SMILE!

What I say v what my kids hear

What they hear:

GRIMACE!

What I say:

I’m just going to the toilet.

What they hear:

Would you like to come and watch me have a wee? I like that.

Or perhaps you would prefer to stay down here and raid the fridge? Up to you!

What I say:

Could you tidy up your toys before bath time please?

What I say v what my kids hear

What they hear:

Playtime! Get everything out. If you can still see the carpet, you aren’t trying hard enough. No one can make you tidy this all up, that would be totally unfair.

What I say:

I’m on the phone, PLEASE just be nice to your brother/sister for one minute.

What they hear:

LET THE BATTLE COMMENCE!

What I say:

Time for bed! Lie down, close your eyes, and go to sleep.

What they hear:

Right about now is a great time to start asking all those questions you just need to know; why is the moon there?

Why did the dinosaurs die out?

Where do babies come from?

Oh, and why not ask for some more water?

You can keep this up allll night if you like, I have nowhere better to be…

Agree? Disagree? Never felt so much unbridled rage? Leave a comment!

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