Not a lot scares me.
I’m not afraid of spiders, or snakes – at least not more than is entirely reasonable, some of those little bastards can kill you.
I’m OK with heights. I don’t want to fall from them, but I’m OK with them.
I’m fine walking down dark alleys, not that I get out much in the dark anymore. I don’t believe in monsters under the bed.
But there are some things that truly do strike fear into my heart.
Here are some of those things (and a few contributed by friends):
1) Being woken up with the words ‘I’m sorry, it was an accident’.
Likely scenarios from worst to best: Spillage of potty with poo in it, spillage of potty with wee in it, breakage of something, huge inconvenient but cleanable mess.
2) When you’re in the shower and suddenly the pressure drops.
There’s a tap on somewhere else in the house.
3) Sitting on a wet toilet seat in the dark.
FFS. I’m properly awake now.
4) Sitting down at soft play and realising your phone battery is pretty much dead.
Or, god forbid, there’s no reception or wi-fi. Monsters.
5) Party bags containing whistles.
Sadists. Thank god you bought their child a recorder as a birthday present.
6) When your small child goes very red in a freshly run bath.
Whip them out and risk it? Leave them in and get the fishing net? Glad we’re pretty much past that phase now…
7) Being on the motorway 8 miles from the nearest services and hearing a little voice pipe up ‘I need a wee wee!’.
Especially when you’re on your way to a holiday site with no laundry facilities.
Anywhere at any time.
9) When they decide they want to do it themselves.
Whatever it may be. It’s going to make you wince or take forever, or both.
10) When you’re out and they are adamant they want spaghetti bolognese but they’re wearing white.
I don’t even know why we own white clothes anymore.
11) Stepping in something sticky.
Oh, that’s probably just some Play Doh or slime on the carpet. Great.
12) The words ‘DADDY said I could’
Oh, did he now?
13) Being told that your child needs to go to school dressed as an Egyptian tomorrow.
Somehow they forgot to mention it and it’s now 7.34pm.
14) The words ‘My head/bottom is itchy’.
15) Hearing footsteps on the landing just as you’re about to sit down and enjoy a well-deserved glass of wine and/or stick the TV on.
So cruelly denied.
Oh and of course silence. Always fear silence.