1) It is never too early to demand ice cream.
Before breakfast works quite well, and right before dinner. And at multiple points throughout the day.
2) If you are not currently eating a snack, or even if you are, you must ask for a snack.
But of course you must unwaveringly refuse to eat anything presented to you as a ‘meal’.
3) A day without a tantrum is a day wasted.
There must be at least one round of screaming/crying per day. It’s best to get this in before breakfast so you don’t forget but if somehow you’ve managed to go the entire day without a tantrum then before bed is fine.
4) Clothes are for idiots.
Removing items of clothing and leaving them around the house is a good way to show your disdain for this unnecessary human obsession.
5) Sun cream is the devil.
Under no circumstances allow it to be applied willingly; it is your duty to scream as if you are being hurt whenever anyone tries.
6) Life is too short to use the toilet.
After all, the dog can pee in the garden, why can’t you? And if you’re having too much fun to stop, just do it there and then. The weather is great for drying washing after all.
7) Make as much mess as possible.
Your parents are weak, they are likely to be running out of ideas by now. Exploit this. If there is a time that they’ll give in to requests for crafting, painting and Play Doh it is now. Fools.
If they stay firm on the glitter and paint front, there are plenty of alternatives. Those boxes of toys you haven’t played with in ages? Time to investigate. Get them all out, all over the floor. And then when you’re asked to tidy, claim you’re ‘too tired’ (although not tired enough for a nap, obviously).
If your own toys are boring, don’t forget that
it’s the perfect time to delve into mum’s make up bag and use it to paint your face or draw all over the office stationery. She can’t possibly watch you all the time.
8) The paddling pool is only interesting when it’s deflated.
If you wish to drive your parents crazy, simply beg to have the paddling pool up all day until they put it up, then immediately lose interest and go and do something else.
9) Siblings are for fighting with.
And for winding up by using their stuff, and wanting to play with anything they are using right at that moment. And occasionally for playing with nicely just long enough to lull your parent into a false sense of security before inflicting bodily harm on them.
10) Routine? What routine?
If you are treated to a day out, make sure you ALWAYS fall asleep on the way home so that you can make bedtime as difficult as possible.
But never ever have a lie in to make up for a late night. Obviously. Unless you have to be up for something early, in which case, stay in bed. Just remember, your ultimate goal is to make sure that nothing is easy.
This is a collaborative post.