I have a love/hate relationship with Twitter.
It’s a great way to banter with people, complain to Ocado when your apples arrive bruised, or inform the world of something your kid just said that you’d probably forget otherwise and was perhaps mildly funny, like the time I had a whole conversation with my two year old son about how his sister was four but he kept insisting that THOR has a hammer. OK, you probably had to be there for that one.
However the biggest problem with Twitter – aside from the fact you can’t edit and that it allows any old idiot or president to spout bile and nonsense – is that even something which you deem a flash of pure brilliance (an occurrence which is quite rare, I fully admit) will go off into the ether. Within a few hours, or if you’re very lucky and it picks up some retweets, days, it will no longer be appearing on timelines; it will be forgotten; existing but unseen. Like the series Joey, but slightly amusing in the right context.
I thought I’d go through some of my past tweets and archive the ‘best’ ones here for… well not quite posterity, but something close to it.
Enjoy.
What on earth is going on at the moment?
Half the country is suddenly like 'plastic, plastic, oh the turtles', meanwhile the other half is merrily pouring as many chemicals down their loo as they can bulkbuy from B&M.
— Fran (@WhingeWine) November 5, 2018
IMPORTANT WARNING
A friend just had a small house fire due to a faulty tumble drier. Luckily she was in and called the fire service.
THE WARNING:
Don't have casual sex with firemen. It can be super awkward when they turn up to your house to put a fire out 6 weeks later.
— Fran (@WhingeWine) November 3, 2018
Me, after nagging my kids to tidy up their toys a dozen times: I'm not going to ask you again!
My daughter, not quite getting the threat: Good, I don't like it when you tell me to tidy up. *Goes back to not tidying up*
— Fran (@WhingeWine) October 7, 2018
You've not lived til you've spent a whole evening trying to work out which Ikea Kallax box out of 41 contains the toy with the low batteries talking like the devil.
— Fran (@WhingeWine) October 7, 2018
'Please put your trousers on'
'I'm not your best friend'
'This is true. Please put your trousers on'
'I don't like you'
'I am sure you don't, please put your trousers on'
– why we always leave the house late, every day— Fran (@WhingeWine) October 5, 2018
My favourite Topsy & Tim episode was when the nursery was closed so fucking Joy invited ALL THE KIDS ROUND.
Fuck off Joy, you deranged twat.
I hope you like jam on all your soft furnishings and shit and piss all over the carpet.
— Fran (@WhingeWine) October 3, 2018
I'm not a huge fan of screen time but I'm also not a huge fan of needing a G&T at 4pm so here we are
— Fran (@WhingeWine) September 26, 2018
FUN FACT: ml for ml Zoflora costs about the same as a bottle of Sav Blanc which is an excellent & much tastier alternative. Buy some, drink it (WINE, NOT ZOFLORA) and you will soon realise it doesn't actually fucking matter how white and fresh smelling your skirting boards are
— Fran (@WhingeWine) September 10, 2018
Watching a professional dancer pick up and twirl his partner round on #Strictly.
My four year old, in earnest:
'I don't think Daddy can do that'.No, I don't think he can bab.
— Fran (@WhingeWine) October 6, 2018
It seems that bloggers who show you how to clean your house are really popular at the moment, so I wanted to share my tips with you:
1) Never be in the house. Keep it as a show home.
2) Ban all pets and children. And people.
3) Pay someone else to do it so you don't have to.— Fran (@WhingeWine) September 7, 2018
Oldest doesn't start school until Wednesday.
After dropping smallest off at preschool she said 'It'll be nice to have a little break. I love playing with him but he sings about bottoms too much".
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
— Fran (@WhingeWine) September 3, 2018
My mother in law emailed me yesterday. She suggested (nicely) that I wouldn't know myself once the kids were at school and the house would be so tidy.
I fear she underestimates just how much I use the kids as an excuse.
— Fran (@WhingeWine) August 31, 2018
"Pants are better than t-shirts because they have your willy and bum in them and they're my favourite"
– The wisdom of my three year old boy
— Fran (@WhingeWine) August 9, 2018
Just realised I purchased a bottle of wine with an actual cork. That's more of a work out than I want to face on a Friday evening if I'm honest.
— Fran (@WhingeWine) August 3, 2018
4yo: I want to be a hairdresser when I grow up
3yo: I want to be a builder and a superhero! What do you want to be when you grow up mummy?
4yo: Don't be silly. She is grown up. She's just a mummy!
Me: *weeps into tea*— Fran (@WhingeWine) August 2, 2018
Bought the preschool teacher a bottle of wine.
Just opened it.
She only has to deal with them for four hours three days a week while they're on best behaviour ffs.— Fran (@WhingeWine) July 15, 2018
I always imagined I'd be a fairly patient parent but I didn't know how much children go out of their way to make sure you're crazy.
— Fran (@WhingeWine) July 13, 2018
Just had to save my son who was trapped in a box after getting into a box when I told him if he went into the box he'd get trapped.
And yet I'm the one getting yelled at.#parenting
— Fran (@WhingeWine) July 9, 2018
When you realise spending the evening as a couple at your child's new school is the nearest you've come to date night in over a year…
— Fran (@WhingeWine) July 3, 2018
"MUMMMEEEEEEEE! COME HERE!"
*runs to toilet*
"What happened?"
"My willy wouldn't point down"If you have a friend and they're pregnant with a boy, can I suggest lots of bleach as a baby shower gift.
— Fran (@WhingeWine) July 2, 2018
Said a fond farewell to another houseplant today.
If only they'd follow me around shrieking for food all the time like the kids they might stand a better chance.
— Fran (@WhingeWine) June 30, 2018
PARENTING HACK: Ask your kids to help you clean the kitchen. They will miraculously disappear so that you can eat biscuits alone in the kitchen.
— Fran (@WhingeWine) June 5, 2018
Told my son we needed to go to the pharmacy and now I'm a mean parent because there were no pigs or sheep there but just a lot of old people.
— Fran (@WhingeWine) June 6, 2018
"Why is this picture in the bin?"
– Seven words which will chill every parent's blood
— Fran (@WhingeWine) May 3, 2018
Amazon review:
Q: Is this suitable for a four year old?
A: I don't know, I haven't got it out of the box yet.WHY ARE PEOPLE LIKE THIS?
— Fran (@WhingeWine) May 2, 2018
Just got an email about my '34 month old'. Won't lie I didn't immediately know which of my children that referred to. #Almost3willdo #DownWithCountingAgeByMonth #MathsIsHard
— Fran (@WhingeWine) May 1, 2018
Today my daughter got angry with me because I flushed the toilet before she could see the size of her poo and I ended up apologising for it. If you were wondering what parenting was like.
— Fran (@WhingeWine) April 26, 2018
Me yesterday: Ugh this is awful. None of my summer clothes fit. I'm going to go on a diet.
Me today: Has a curly wurly for breakfast and buys new shorts.
— Fran (@WhingeWine) April 21, 2018
To the cowbag who pushed in front of me at the sweatiest till in the busiest Asda in the world to buy beer and cat food while I was wrangling two small angry kids… I hope your cat shits in your bed.
— Fran (@WhingeWine) April 20, 2018
I have made a word cloud based on my two year old.
I swear one more day on the house and you'll find me rocking in a corner. pic.twitter.com/pP2EWhjjLh
— Fran (@WhingeWine) March 3, 2018
Breaking news: In the most ironic moment of the last four and a half years, my daughter just asked me to 'go away, because I'm on the toilet'
— Fran (@WhingeWine) February 22, 2018
In Sainsbury's cafe and the small one eats a pea off the floor.
… but it's veg so I'm only half disgusted really.
— Fran (@WhingeWine) October 6, 2017
He doesn't need an exorcism, he's two
He doesn't need an exorcism, he's two
He doesn't need an exorcism, he's two
(and breathe…)— Fran (@WhingeWine) October 5, 2017
I don't have a kid starting school but I do have a lovely new front door for you all to admire #firstdayofschool pic.twitter.com/Fj1I1LG20u
— Fran (@WhingeWine) September 5, 2017
If you don't mutter 'fucksake' under your breath every time you hear your kid shout for you are you even a parent?
— Fran (@WhingeWine) April 11, 2017
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