I have a love/hate relationship with Twitter.
It’s a great way to banter with people, complain to Ocado when your apples arrive bruised, or inform the world of something your kid just said that you’d probably forget otherwise and was perhaps mildly funny, like the time I had a whole conversation with my two year old son about how his sister was four but he kept insisting that THOR has a hammer. OK, you probably had to be there for that one.
However the biggest problem with Twitter – aside from the fact you can’t edit and that it allows any old idiot or president to spout bile and nonsense – is that even something which you deem a flash of pure brilliance (an occurrence which is quite rare, I fully admit) will go off into the ether. Within a few hours, or if you’re very lucky and it picks up some retweets, days, it will no longer be appearing on timelines; it will be forgotten; existing but unseen. Like the series Joey, but slightly amusing in the right context.
I thought I’d go through some of my past tweets and archive the ‘best’ ones here for… well not quite posterity, but something close to it.
If you don't mutter 'fucksake' under your breath every time you hear your kid shout for you are you even a parent?
— Fran (@WhingeWine) April 11, 2017
— Fran (@WhingeWine) September 5, 2017
Breaking news: In the most ironic moment of the last four and a half years, my daughter just asked me to 'go away, because I'm on the toilet'
— Fran (@WhingeWine) February 22, 2018
I have made a word cloud based on my two year old.
I swear one more day on the house and you'll find me rocking in a corner. pic.twitter.com/pP2EWhjjLh
— Fran (@WhingeWine) March 3, 2018
To the cowbag who pushed in front of me at the sweatiest till in the busiest Asda in the world to buy beer and cat food while I was wrangling two small angry kids… I hope your cat shits in your bed.
— Fran (@WhingeWine) April 20, 2018
Me yesterday: Ugh this is awful. None of my summer clothes fit. I'm going to go on a diet.
Me today: Has a curly wurly for breakfast and buys new shorts.
— Fran (@WhingeWine) April 21, 2018
Today my daughter got angry with me because I flushed the toilet before she could see the size of her poo and I ended up apologising for it. If you were wondering what parenting was like.
— Fran (@WhingeWine) April 26, 2018
— Fran (@WhingeWine) May 1, 2018
Q: Is this suitable for a four year old?
A: I don't know, I haven't got it out of the box yet.
WHY ARE PEOPLE LIKE THIS?
— Fran (@WhingeWine) May 2, 2018
"Why is this picture in the bin?"
– Seven words which will chill every parent's blood
— Fran (@WhingeWine) May 3, 2018