I have a love/hate relationship with Twitter.
It’s a great way to banter with people, complain to Ocado when your apples arrive bruised, or inform the world of something your kid just said that you’d probably forget otherwise and was perhaps mildly funny, like the time I had a whole conversation with my two year old son about how his sister was four but he kept insisting that THOR has a hammer. OK, you probably had to be there for that one.
However the biggest problem with Twitter – aside from the fact you can’t edit and that it allows any old idiot or president to spout bile and nonsense – is that even something which you deem a flash of pure brilliance (an occurrence which is quite rare, I fully admit) will go off into the ether. Within a few hours, or if you’re very lucky and it picks up some retweets, days, it will no longer be appearing on timelines; it will be forgotten; existing but unseen. Like the series Joey, but slightly amusing in the right context.
I thought I’d go through some of my past tweets and archive the ‘best’ ones here for… well not quite posterity, but something close to it.
Just realised I purchased a bottle of wine with an actual cork. That's more of a work out than I want to face on a Friday evening if I'm honest.
— Fran (@WhingeWine) August 3, 2018
4yo: I want to be a hairdresser when I grow up
3yo: I want to be a builder and a superhero! What do you want to be when you grow up mummy?
4yo: Don't be silly. She is grown up. She's just a mummy!
Me: *weeps into tea*
— Fran (@WhingeWine) August 2, 2018
Bought the preschool teacher a bottle of wine.
Just opened it.
She only has to deal with them for four hours three days a week while they're on best behaviour ffs.
— Fran (@WhingeWine) July 15, 2018
I always imagined I'd be a fairly patient parent but I didn't know how much children go out of their way to make sure you're crazy.
— Fran (@WhingeWine) July 13, 2018
Just had to save my son who was trapped in a box after getting into a box when I told him if he went into the box he'd get trapped.
And yet I'm the one getting yelled at.#parenting
— Fran (@WhingeWine) July 9, 2018
When you realise spending the evening as a couple at your child's new school is the nearest you've come to date night in over a year…
— Fran (@WhingeWine) July 3, 2018
"MUMMMEEEEEEEE! COME HERE!"
*runs to toilet*
"My willy wouldn't point down"
If you have a friend and they're pregnant with a boy, can I suggest lots of bleach as a baby shower gift.
— Fran (@WhingeWine) July 2, 2018
Said a fond farewell to another houseplant today.
If only they'd follow me around shrieking for food all the time like the kids they might stand a better chance.
— Fran (@WhingeWine) June 30, 2018
PARENTING HACK: Ask your kids to help you clean the kitchen. They will miraculously disappear so that you can eat biscuits alone in the kitchen.
— Fran (@WhingeWine) June 5, 2018
Told my son we needed to go to the pharmacy and now I'm a mean parent because there were no pigs or sheep there but just a lot of old people.
— Fran (@WhingeWine) June 6, 2018
"Why is this picture in the bin?"
– Seven words which will chill every parent's blood
— Fran (@WhingeWine) May 3, 2018
Q: Is this suitable for a four year old?
A: I don't know, I haven't got it out of the box yet.
WHY ARE PEOPLE LIKE THIS?
— Fran (@WhingeWine) May 2, 2018
— Fran (@WhingeWine) May 1, 2018
Today my daughter got angry with me because I flushed the toilet before she could see the size of her poo and I ended up apologising for it. If you were wondering what parenting was like.
— Fran (@WhingeWine) April 26, 2018
Me yesterday: Ugh this is awful. None of my summer clothes fit. I'm going to go on a diet.
Me today: Has a curly wurly for breakfast and buys new shorts.
— Fran (@WhingeWine) April 21, 2018
To the cowbag who pushed in front of me at the sweatiest till in the busiest Asda in the world to buy beer and cat food while I was wrangling two small angry kids… I hope your cat shits in your bed.
— Fran (@WhingeWine) April 20, 2018
I have made a word cloud based on my two year old.
I swear one more day on the house and you'll find me rocking in a corner. pic.twitter.com/pP2EWhjjLh
— Fran (@WhingeWine) March 3, 2018
Breaking news: In the most ironic moment of the last four and a half years, my daughter just asked me to 'go away, because I'm on the toilet'
— Fran (@WhingeWine) February 22, 2018
— Fran (@WhingeWine) September 5, 2017
If you don't mutter 'fucksake' under your breath every time you hear your kid shout for you are you even a parent?
— Fran (@WhingeWine) April 11, 2017