Oh, my darling son.
Where to even start.
With a positive, I think. That’s what the management course I did ages ago (that has proven to be entirely useless) told me, anyway.
I appreciate the lie-ins you have (occasionally) given me of late. 7.02am is perhaps not what any other normal human person would consider a lie-in but, since you came into my life I really do, as sad as that may be. I want you to know that when you allow me that extra hour or so, I feel a bit more human again.
Indeed, I feel much more able to deal with your outrage that daddy has gone to work, as he does and has done almost every week day since your birth, and the fact that you ‘don’t like mummy today‘.
Whatever, mate. You are stuck with me.
Now maybe we’ll go into a little bit of constructive criticism.
I could really do without arguing over breakfast every day.
You will eat your porridge, you do like it.
Do you know how I know this? Because you have eaten it every day for the past two years, except when we make pancakes (out of the very same porridge).
No, I’m not putting more honey on it (thanks, Nanny, for introducing him to the cavity-ridden world of honey on porridge).
I’ll tell you what; we can have this stand off for the next 20 minutes, at which point you will concede and eat it anyway, even though by then it will be cold and congealed, OR you can eat it now while it’s warm and delightful and we don’t have six minutes left until we have to leave for preschool.
I’m sorry, I’m not quite ready to put the bread on this particular ‘constructive criticism sandwich’ yet.
Why, oh, why can you not understand that the more tantrums you have about going to preschool, the more excited I become at the prospect of dropping you off and running away as fast as my chubby little legs can take me, back to a home of warm tea and silence?
Not one hour ago, you told me I was a smelly bum. Now you want to stay with me forever. Get your story straight little man.
Right, as annoying people on Facebook say, “rant over”.
Let’s get back to admiring how cute and clever you can be.