New parents can get a bit obsessive about poo.
When did they have their last one? What colour was it? What consistency? Quick, this is one I’ve not seen before, google the Babycentre Poo Chart!
Nope, shit isn’t glamorous at all, but dealing with poo is something that bonds parents around the globe. Rich or poor, your baby needs their bum wiped. Well, unless you’re so rich that you can afford someone to do it for you. But for the rest of us mere mortals, there’s a lot of poo in our future.
Not all poos are equal.
No poo is fun poo, but some are definitely worse than others. Here are my top ten:
1) The just got on the tube poo
This has just happened to me; rush hour, two small children, one in a buggy, very hot day. There is literally nothing you can do when this happens; there are no facilities and god knows no one wants to watch you change that on your lap (and that would mean having a seat… unlikely). My advice is to avoid eye contact with angry commuters. Also see: The aeroplane take-off poo.
2) The breastfeeding nappy explosion
The poo of a breastfed baby is as inoffensive as poo comes, but it’s still no fun being liberally doused in it. I still have a haunting memory of feeding my three week old baby on a bench at the zoo, cradling him in my arm while I ate my lunch. Suddenly I felt all warm and not in the ‘motherly bonding’ way.
Cue me, and a very poopy baby in a white vest with a suspicious bright yellow stain all the way up to his neck, traipsing to the nearest baby change where a queue was already formed. Seeing the desperation on my face (or perhaps it was the smell of poo) the other mothers let me go first. You always remember a change of clothes for baby; never for yourself.
3) The poo in the bath
A milestone moment for any baby. Even worse when it’s a shared bath, and the absolute pits when you’re the person they are sharing with.
4) The going out in ten seconds timed-to-perfection poo
For most babies, the more inconvenient the better. If they can save their smelly offering until you’ve picked up your keys then that is exactly what they will do. It’s one of the reasons parents are ALWAYS LATE.
5) The mid-nappy-change surprise poo
You thought they were done, but you were so, so wrong. Bad luck.
6) The mid-meal highchair poo
Particularly fun in a packed restaurant. If you don’t notice for a while it can work it’s way right out of the nappy.
7) The M25 traffic jam, all up the car seat poo
When you can smell it, but you’re powerless to pull over and do anything about it. They really need to make car seat covers easier to get back on.
8) The Oh b*gger I forgot to bring the changing bag poo
Also called the ‘run out of nappies/husband used the last wipe and didn’t refill them’ poo. Happens to everyone at least once, and there is nothing like the horror you’ll feel.
9) The OH MY GOD IT’S EVERYWHERE poo
In their hands, in their hair, down their leg, on the mat, on the floor… Oh god.
10) The stealth poo
Will catch you when you least expect it. You think you’re going to change a wet nappy and SURPRISE!
A special mention goes to the very first banana poo, AKA the OH MY GOD MY CHILD HAS WORMS! poo. That is always a treat!
Well now, wasn’t that a mature discussion?