Before we start, this is not a morbid post.
I know what you’re thinking; I too was under the impression that a bucket list was a list of things you wanted to do before you kicked the bucket but like so many things it seems that this saying has be re-appropriated to mean ‘shit you want to do at some point’.
So I asked my two year old what he wanted to achieve before the summer was out and this is what he said*
1) To kick off the bucket list… Wear a bucket. This is actually a plant pot but whatever.
2) Demand ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Have lots of tantrums when this wish is denied. If my wish for ice cream is granted, smear as much of it on my face and clothes as I can. That’ll show them.
3) Work out how to gain access to the fridge, and eat a whole block of cheese before my mummy comes down from the loo.
4) Ruin at least two paddling pools through whatever means necessary (Play Doh smuggling, use of sharp objects even though they are strictly prohibited).
5) Piss about a lot at bedtime every night because it’s light and so it’s not bedtime and you can’t fool me, parents. You can’t fool me.
6) Be too hot to sleep, a lot. Whine about this.
7) Not wear any clothes for a week – my aim is to get a nice all-over tan but my stupid mother keeps oiling me up with suncream.
8) Pretend I want to potty train. Show willing by asking to go for a wee several times and doing it, but then – JUST AS THEIR GUARD IS DOWN – poo on the lawn.
10) Wear the same hat all summer. Refuse to leave my house without my hat. If parents forget my hat, scream MY HAAAAT MY HAAAAT until they turn the car around to retrieve it.
11) Throw myself into a public paddling pool and have to wear my sister’s clothes home.
12) Hone my make up skills.
13) Learn at least one naughty word repeat it as much as I can despite not knowing what it means and no one really giving me a reaction. I can just tell it’s naughty. Bugger bugger bugger.
14) Meet a really big guinea pig
Fortunately he has ticked off most of this list already! It’s keeping me on my toes for sure.
Enjoy your summer hols, people.
*I hope you realise that this is imaginary. You shouldn’t need me to tell you that but you have to disclaim everything these days. What he actually said when asked was ‘want to snack’.