One week today, and it will be here.
Our special day to bask in the romanticism of motherhood; our day to be adored (and served) by those we expelled from our wombs in blaze of glory, our day to be recognised as the maternal Goddesses that we are.
It is Mother’s Day. Mothering Sunday, if you prefer.
It is our day (unless you’re a Dad reading this, in that case your day is some time in June)*.
So to mark this most sacred and monumental occasion on the calendar, Suzanne from that there funny website and another ten things (no capitalisation, people, no matter how much it pains you) and I are back to bring you the ultimate in Mother’s Day gift guides.
We’re not talking about the usual chocolates, flowers and saccharine soaked shizzle and rubbish toddler-crafts covered in glue. If you’ve seen our gift guides for Christmas and Valentine’s Day, you should hopefully know what you’re in for already.
No, this list is the stuff Mums really want for Mother’s Day.
Really really really want (if you didn’t sing ‘zigga zig ah’ at the end of that sentence are you even human?). Need. And can actually buy using Amazon’s handy next day delivery service.
This time though, the gift list needed to be so monumental that we couldn’t do it alone so we’ve drafted in the help of some of our most awesome blogging mates and fellow Mums. So sit down, relax (ha, ha) and enjoy this most epic of Mother’s Day gift list and then perhaps leave it up for your other-half, relative, friend or whoever is actually responsible for making sure you get a half-decent present next Sunday.
So, without further ado, on with the show.
We all know that trying to sneak out of a almost sleeping child’s room is like trying to not fart in pregnancy yoga but with this Full Ninja Uniform you’re in with a good chance. Please note, ninja sword is sadly not included.
Our friend Sam has chosen Stress Ball Paul because, in her own words it is “not just an ordinary stress ball. It’s a stress ball that is shaped to mimic the Gollum-like defeated nature of your very soul.” My precious.
Adult colouring books are all the rage and supposed to be soothing for the soul. Personally I prefer unleashing a stream of obscenities at the stupid f!cking arsehole shitbag dog (it’s cathartic, try it. And he is a jerk).
So imagine my delight when I discovered you can combine the two with the Sit the F*ck Down and Colour: Adult Swear Word Colouring Book for Stress Relief. Plus, if your children can’t read yet, it’s a lovely activity you can do together.
Why are we so desperate for our children to speak? Why the hell do we encourage that nonsense when they then spend the next bajillion years talking endlessly to us about glitter and dinosaurs and… oh I don’t know I gave up listening two years ago.
Anyway, Donna at The Sleep Thief’s Mummy has the perfect solution; Noise Cancelling Headphones. You never have to feign interest again.
My son has two goals in life – to keep me awake for as many hours of the day as possible and to always be touching me. With this Inflatable Zorbing Human Hamster Ball, goal number two is well and truly thwarted. Sure it’s a bit on the pricey side… but let’s see you try and sleep on my face now kid.
Like life, motherhood is all about winning; just taking part is not an option.
One thing that I am determined to win is the ‘who is the most tired competition’ by proving how much running around and how little sleep I’m getting with a Fitness and Sleep Tracker. Pro tip: for an easy life just agree it’s always us. We’re always the most tired.
When Suzanne was poorly once as a child, she had woken her mum up a few nights in a row and she asked her the next night to wake her Dad up (canny). So she did. Or at least she tried. She remembers literally standing at the side of the bed shaking him by the shoulders but still he did not wake.
It turns out that this wasn’t just a quirk unique to him but a common phenomenon amongst the menfolk (not all menfolk, of course, props to all those light sleeping fellas). If the Mum in your life shares her bed with a heavy sleeper then this handy Air Horn should do the trick.
Wine; it really is the elixir of life for many Mums. You might be aware that I’m what I like to call a ‘wine enthusiast’ because that makes it sound like a genuine, pro-social hobby. As responsible adults we all know that one glass a night is the right choice.
The Sleep Thief’s Mummy has really taken this to heart with her second addition to our Mother’s Day gift list in the form of this Ultimate Wine Bottle Glass. Responsible is my middle name, so I wholeheartedly approve.
If you’re shaking your head and worrying about the state of my liver, don’t worry. I don’t actually down a bottle of wine in one sitting… Unless it’s got a cork, cos it’s not like you can save it is it?
Well now, this Set of Happy Little Dudes will ensure that you never have to finish a bottle of wine. And if you do, you can easily open the next one.
Sticking to the wine theme because goddamnit I likes it, I rather like the sound of this Wine Handbag which allows you to decant a bottle of wine into an ordinary-looking handbag which you can then take with you anywhere that glass is not allowed such as the cinema, concerts, picnics, soft play, children’s parties, the labour ward…
And finally, Suzanne’s biggest contribution to this list: Ryan Gosling Lifesize Cardboard Cutout. “Just look at him in his dapper suit, with a wry little smile and his… sorry what was I writing?” she said. For shame.
You may be thinking ‘Fran, Suzanne… this list is not complete! Where is the mug?’.
Right here buddy, right flipping here.
*If you are neither a Mum or a Dad reading my blog, thanks for the support. I’m not really sure what you get out of it, but thanks anyway.
This post contains affiliate links – to read what this means check out my disclosure statement.
If you fancy some real Mother’s Day gift inspiration, why not try a wine subscription box, or maybe some personalised jewellery? Here is a great list of things you could actually buy.