So if you’re on the internet, you may have seen that Nordstrom is currently selling some very confusing jeans, with see-through, plastic knees. You can buy them here.
Or not, because they’re bloody ridiculous.
Why not team them with the lovely shoes pictured above, complete with hole in the heels? These are, apparently, also in fashion and you can buy them for just under £500 care of one Alexander Wang.
Don’t laugh, that’s his actual name*.
Having not seen them on a foot, I can’t work out how they work, or why anyone would want shoes that look broken. Which is, I have come to accept, exactly what my dear old dad would say.
This realisation puts me in mind of the times when I was a teen, and made questionable choices, and my parents would either raise their eyebrows or just mock relentlessly (“Why would you pay for holes in your jeans?”), in the way that parents are supposed to.
Fashion? I’m TOO OLD FOR THAT SHIT.
I am also too old for this shit too:
1) Listening to music in the charts
Honestly, what the f*ck is up with half of it? I don’t understand. It’s just noise. I am definitely too old for Radio One; possibly even too old for Radio Two. Radio Four is where it’s at, or maybe Radio Three if I’m trying to stay cool in a traffic jam.
2) Drinking shots
Seems like a great idea at the time; is not a great idea. Is never a great idea.
3) Wearing clothes that don’t cover my knees
No one needs to see that. (I was referring here primarily to short skirts, but the trousers above are also pretty awful)
4) Flicky eyeliner
I can barely be bothered with makeup any more but I have come to the conclusion that this, which was the staple look of my teen years, makes me look like Liza Minnelli, and not a young Liza Minnelli. Don’t even get me started on contouring.
5) Using words like On Fleek
I don’t know what this means, but it sounds bloody ridiculous. Apparently it has something to do with eyebrows, and for the record, I am also too old to understand why eyebrows need to be quite that big these days. I am guessing it’s the 2017 equivalent of blue mascara or heather shimmer lipstick and they will be thoroughly ashamed come 2030.
6) Watching Hollyoaks
Or anything else which makes me roll my eyes right out of my head involuntarily.
7) Accepting invitations to places I don’t want to go
The kids, handily, provide a convenient excuse. Usually a real one, sometimes not.
8) Staying up late
I am ALWAYS TIRED. Staying up past my bedtime is unwise at best. I still do it, almost perpetually, and regret it – but I’m talking 11pm; staying up until 2am chatting about nothing in particular is a thing of the past.
9) Wearing high heels
If it’s possible for feet to wince, that’s what mine do when they see people in impossibly high heels. OUCH. Boots are so much kinder and as luck would have it, I can still fall over in them.
10) Caring too much what other people think
Whilst also taking care not to be a prick, of course; I don’t mean having no regard for anyone else. But judgy stares from random strangers in the supermarket because one of my children is having a moment? Big fat don’t care. It’s very freeing. Try it.
Goodness, that was cathartic. What shit are you too old for?
*I’m not too old to laugh at tenuous penis jokes, evidently.
This article, or one very similar, first appeared on The Motherload.