We've all done it. You get carried away with festive spirit (mine is usually gin) and the next minute you've signed up for the office Secret Santa thinking 'it'll be a bit of harmless fun'.
Only rather than one of the colleagues that you actually don't mind passing the time of day with, you've been allocated sexist dickhead Nigel from... well you haven't actually figured out what department he's from because you can't stand him and you don't care. You have five, ten, maybe fifteen quid to spend if you're flash, and you hate the bastard, so what should you do?
As you know, I no longer work in an office, but I do miss it at this time of year, so I've teamed up with the hilarious Suzanne from and another ten things (go, go check it out!) to help make your festive season easier. You're so very welcome.
Here are ten things (naturally) that you can (and should) buy, right now.
1) Scrotum Stress Ball
Nothing says 'you stress me out so much that I want to squeeze your scrotum until your eyes pop out' than a scrotum shaped stress ball that hangs beneath your desk. If subtlety is more your thing then why not sneak into your arch-nemesis’ office/house/car and leave loads of these pendulous beauties suckered around for them to unexpectedly brush against. Some people say bullying, we say BANTER.
You can pre-order these fantastic pink suction stress balls here, but if you're after something in time for this Christmas, Amazon do something similar here
2) Duck with a Dick
Get it here.
3) Spud Life Personalised Potato
'Oh god, do you know what would be really funny *guffaw* *snort*? If we set up a company where people paid us to send a message written on a potato.'
'Ha ha, Alan you’re f*cking hilarious.'
And so the personalised potato was born and now you can tell Mike next door his breath stinks or Phillipa from the gym that she still owes you the £3.50 you lent her for a sandwich in 2012 in a non-confrontational and wacky way.
Why not buy enough to serve up for the whole family at Christmas dinner and tell everyone exactly what you think of them whilst you sup Prosecco in the kitchen like a boss?
I can't think of a single reason why ANYONE reading this would not want to buy one, and you can do so, here..
4) Crafting with Cat Hair
Get this hygienic and not at all super-weird book here .
5) Go Girl Female Urination Aid
Buy one, now, here.
6) Natural Harvest
I have literally no idea why anyone would ever buy this but you can do so here.
7) Smile Maker
Also, they're only two quid. Bargain right? Get one here.
8) Haribo Gummi Bears (sugar free)
Except they'll make you and everyone else that eats them shit themselves. Repeatedly.
You can read the brilliant reviews, and perhaps buy some for your full-of-shit boss, here .
9) Penis Mug
At under four quid, it's a steal. Get it here.
10) Asshole mug
You can get one for the biggest asshole you know, right here.
...And that's it, until next year.
Hopefully we've made your life a little easier. Do let us know how it pans out. Maybe you think this guide is really immature and stupid and a waste of the internet, in which case I hope someone buys you item nine.
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