Guest blog: Can’t touch this! Pregnancy rage: What not to say to a pregnant woman

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Guest blog: Can't touch this! Pregnancy rage - things not to say to a pregnant woman

At the time of me writing this, my friend (this one here who likes the telly box) was very heavily pregnant and fed up. 

It was 30-odd degrees out there; having had a baby on the hottest day of the year in 2015 I can understand. It isn’t fun. 

I thought a good outlet for her rage would be to write another guest post for me. After all, my youngest was six months old when I started this blog and so you missed out the delight of my pregnancy ramblings. And it’s not like she has much else to do. Ho ho ho.

Here is what she had to say.

Things that make me rage? Everything. EVERYTHING.

People who park centimetres from your car door. Seated idiots who refuse to make eye contact when you really want to sit down. Old ladies who walk reeeeeeeally slowly in front of you when you’re trying to run waddle to the nearest loo. And then there are the people that open their mouths and just say whatever is in their brain without filtering it first.

People just can’t help themselves when faced with a heavily pregnant woman. It annoyed me last time; this time I am a burning ball of rage and I can barely tolerate people in general, let alone when they are spouting offensively stupid things which, sadly, every woman who has ever had a pregnancy bump has heard.

Gems like “Oh wow, are you sure it isn’t twins?” (comedy genius there), “You look like you’re about to explode!” (I’ll try not to make a mess) or even, unbelievably sometimes in the next breath, “You look really small, are you sure they have the dates right?” (because pregnancy isn’t worrying enough).

This time round, for my last and final pregnancy (I guarantee you that), I have been treated to some other choice comments that have really brought out my third trimester rage quite wonderfully.

“Do you know what you’re having?” 
“Yes, another girl. My daughter is getting a sister.”
“Oh dear. Never mind. There’s always next time.”

Erm? OK.

In this marvellous 32 degree heat;

“It’s far too hot/I’m really struggling/I don’t cope well in the heat.” 

Just no. You cannot complain to me about the heat unless you are as or more pregnant than me. If you don’t have another human permanently strapped to your front you just do not comment. OK?

“What would you like for dinner?”

Don’t ask me that! How am I supposed to know? All I know is I have gone from fine to uncontrollably starving in 60 seconds and if I don’t eat immediately I WILL kill you. But don’t you dare try to make me something I don’t want even though I don’t know what that is. I never said this would be rational. If you were expecting rational then you can’t have known many heavily pregnant people.

“How old is your daughter now? Are you thinking of having any more?” 
“She’s 2… and well yes, I’m currently 26 weeks pregnant”

It then goes one of two ways;

1)”Ah, I thought maybe you were… but didn’t like to say”

You thought I’d just grown a huge beer belly all of a sudden? Or perhaps I had eaten all of the pies? Yeah yeah, I know it’s better than someone asking you when you’re due when you aren’t pregnant but I refer you to my previous comment re: rationality.

2) “Was it planned?”/ “Don’t you have a TV?”

This question is something you should never, ever ask, for obvious reasons most people find it really rude and insulting. I am just far too much of a prude to even consider responding to it. I don’t ask you about your sex life, do I? Stay out of mine. Ta.

I have chosen this time to have a planned section for various different and very personal reasons. If people ask my plans (why, oh why?), I tell them and on more than one occasion have been told:

“Oh no, that’s a shame. Will you not at least try to have it naturally?” 

Thanks for that. That’s just the morale boost I needed. I tried pretty damn hard last time by the way.

“You look exhausted. Why don’t you have a nap?” 

I have a two year old. You can come and babysit, if you like. She is fairly fond of a tantrum though.

“Make the most of it now and just put your feet up.” 

So where exactly is my baby going to sleep and what will it wear? Because if the house stays the way it is now she’ll be sleeping in the cat basket and wearing maternity clothes.

Oh, and word to the wise. Keep your bloody hands to yourself.

To be fair when you have a baby in the summer they probably won’t need clothes and mine only ever slept in my bed anyway, so you might be alright there…As for the touching. it is NEVER OK. 

She has since had her baby, and she’s very cute and squishy. Not cute enough for me to change my mind though! NO MORE BABIES.

If you fancy writing a guest post, get in touch!



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