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Sunday, 31 January 2016

Stupid things I have done whilst sleep deprived

Stupid things I have done whilst sleep deprived

Good news! The baby has a tooth.


Maybe two, I'm not entirely sure. All I know is I was attempting to feed him at soft play and, well, ouch (see, I knew they were lying when they said feeding a baby with teeth wasn't painful). Upon inspection with my finger, there is definitely something hard and tooth-like residing in the lower gum.

Anyway, perhaps that is the explanation for the recent awful nights and - dare I even hope - the end of hourly waking for a while; I am not at my best when I've been up all night. I doubt anyone is really. Margaret Thatcher apparently only needed four hours of sleep a night, but she really isn't my role model. I am not ashamed to say it: I need more than four hours of broken sleep in order to be any kind of semi-decent parent (semi-decent being the maximum I aim for these days). I'm not kidding myself; an eight hour stretch would be fantastic, but is slightly unrealistic. I'd settle for something in between.

This week alone, I have:
  • Forgotten to pay for parking and only remembered an hour or so later. I think most people have done this one though, right? Miraculously, the gods must have been smiling on my poor wretched soul and I didn't get a parking ticket.
  • Given myself this fantastic colourful and rather painful bruise walking into a baby gate which has been in situ for almost two years.
  • Put my chunky toddler in one of the baby's size three nappies without realising and gone out, resulting in leakage with no change of clothes available.
  • Spent ages getting the change bag ready for a trip out with my parents and the kids, and then shut it in the front room and forgotten all about it. I didn't realise until we were at the garden centre which is half an hour away. There is no where to buy baby food or nappies at a garden centre... so I had to go all the way home again. My dad was driving. An hour and a half of driving just to get a crap lunch. And then they had to drive back an hour and a half back to where they live.
  • Put cheese in the cupboard and left it there all day. It was brie so it stank the cupboard out and melted everywhere. So I had to eat it all. That one seems less like a sleep deprivation fail and more like destiny though. I love brie.
With major sleep deprivation comes the inability to think of funny blog posts, or form coherent sentences - so I've cheated and asked friends what their best sleep deprived mum moments were. In among the classics (putting things where they shouldn't be, generally in the fridge or the washing machine, leaving the iron on/keys in door and forgetting things - purses, keys, children... At least I'm normal) were some real gooduns that probably made me laugh a little too hard.

These are some stories that thankfully, weren't me:

The other day I locked the door with me, my son and the dog outside, all ready for a walk. Then I inexplicably posted all my keys through the letterbox. I had to ring my landlord to come and let me in because my other half works 45 minutes away. I never ever have to post keys either as we are adults who are both trusted with our own keys. Although obviously I shouldn't be.

I spent ages trying to scrub a stain off my carpet, only to realise when it projected on to my hand that it was a spot of sunlight....It looked a lot worse than it ever did to begin with.

My baby has nappy free time every night after dinner... Well tonight he decided to cover us both us both in poo! 
You knew there was going to be a poo
picture sooner or later...
In a foolish bid to save my 99p tights, I thought I would soak them in the upstairs sink while running the bath for us both. Well, I completely forgot about the sink until it flooded and the water was pouring out of the downstairs dining room light fitting! The entire bathroom and landing carpet were flooded, the baby was screaming and both of us were still covered in poo. Oh, and the tights ended up in the bin! 

This morning I was all ready to leave the house, coat on and everything. I took a yoghurt out of the fridge, peeled the lid back and shook it all over myself, as you might shake a ketchup bottle. I was completely on autopilot and didn't even need to get a yoghurt out in the first place. So I'm now wearing jeans that are two sizes too big and was 20 mins late (as per).
I left my hand brake off the car and it rolled into a boulder. I was in the shopping centre at the time, there was announcement and everything. I don't know my registration so was laughing at the tool who left the handbrake off only to find out it was me. My kind friend took this photo so that I could never forget or live it down.

In one week, I  locked my car keys in the car (along with my phone, my bag and my child), then I dropped them in the street and left them there for 8 hours until a kindly stranger found them, found which car they opened and left a note for me, and then, minutes after actually having a conversation about what could possibly happen to them next, I left them at the reception at soft play. 

I genuinely asked someone in Poundland how much something cost.

And one that is definitely not for the faint hearted...

I can't believe I'm actually sharing this! Earlier this week I got my second postpartum period so I rushed round to the shop to buy tampax...I came home to sort myself out, popped to the loo, job's a good'n, right? NO! I could still (urgh) feel Mother Nature in all her glory. I thought it must be super heavy with having been so long coming, best to take the tampon out and use a maternity towel. Tried to pop the tampax out but couldn't find the string, thought what the hell have you done to me baby... Kept looking, still no joy. At this point I was panicking a bit... Where the bloody hell (pun not intended) has it gone? Thought maybe I'd google it - wrong move! I just convinced myself I was going to die of TSS. I rang my GP and they told me to pop in and the nurse will have a look see. She was sure there was nothing up there but since I insisted there was she would get a doctor (super hot, young, of course) to check it over. All while on my period. He couldn't find anything.  The doctor told me there could be a tiny chance that it may have slipped into my womb as it was still dilated from giving birth, so he referred me to hospital as an emergency. I had to ring my other half at work so he could come home and look after the kids - he had to tell his boss why and everything. So, off to hospital I went for an internal scan. They were 100% certain I was all clear and sent me home. At home after a traumatic day, and my other half tells me there is a tampon out of the wrapper sitting on the bathroom window ledge.

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32 comments:

  1. Haha I love these, especially the last one! Glad I'm not the only one getting myself in a baby-brain muddle!

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    1. I think, after speaking to my friends, most people have done at least something stupid. Fortunately not many have ended up in the hospital!

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  2. I'm always in a constant state of tiredness, so can't remember any of my more spectacular fails. My most recent one involved me almost making myself a formula feed in a coffee mug one morning. Was pretty lucky I didn't follow through with my mistake, and then go on to give a bottle of coffee to my 8 month old! Great post :)

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    1. Now that would be blog post worthy! Perhaps slightly unethical though.

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  3. These have made me laugh out loud. Traumatic at the time though I can well imagine. I guess I have all this to look forward to when Pea arrives. At least it makes for entertaining blogging! #coolmumclub

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    1. I hope you never have to suffer like this. Some babies are really good sleepers. I mean I don't know any but...

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  4. Oh I love these, so funny!! What a nightmare with the tampon though, I am always terrified of TSS so I would have been just the same. I can't think of any particularly interesting ones I have done other than the usual; orange juice poured over my cereal. Spent ages looking for the bib in the changing bag when the baby was already wearing it. Got the car stuck on the kerb cause I hadn't taken the handbrake off properly, then panicked and had to get my Dad to move it. My jar of Nutella has disappeared too, I think I may have accidentally put it in the bin. I was devastated when I couldn't find it. #coolmumclub

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    1. Ah, glad to hear it's not just me and friends that are afflicted by sleep deprivation stupidity! Thanks for sharing x

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  5. Ha ha that last one! Superb! Sleep deprivation does have some positives after all...it's made us all have a giggle at this post. You forget so quickly how horrendous sleepless nights are when they stop, but at the time, there is just nothing worse. Sending coffee & cuddles! Thanks for sharing with #coolmumclub

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    1. I am hoping to look back at this post and similar ones and laugh heartily. One day... ;)

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  6. This is so funny. I have had 3 years of sleep deprivation. It makes us do strange things.

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    1. I've had two and a half now and the stupidest thing I did was somehow decide to prolong it and do it all again?? Madness!

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  7. Oh these are all brilliant and made me laugh so much. Sleep deprivation is truly awful and can make us do some mad things! I love the handbreak one, that is so something I would have done including laughing about it and not realising it was me! #stayclassy

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    1. Hehe thanks. So glad it wasn't me. Honest!

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  8. oh this is too funny! I literally had my jaw on the floor with the last story - how awful but so funny at the same time! Sleep deprivation kills me - I once left the handbrake off of my car when parked at the top of a sore in a multi-storey car park and it slid down the slope in to two cars and caused £2000 of damage - sleep deprived with 2 toddlers. Went in to the back of someone in the dartford tunnel one friday afternoon of a bank holiday weekend - too tired, two toddlers, no sleep and caused four hour traffic jam as they closed the tunnel - not classy! A great post though #stayclassy

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    1. Hahah you just know I'm the person stuck on the M25 waiting for the tunnel to open. I did similar once at the severn bridge when I failed to take any money and they had to close the gates and direct me back - although it was ten minutes, but OH THE SHAME. To be fair it's the 2000s, they should take Visa!

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  9. Oh my goodness, I was snorting with laughter at all of the stories, but the tampon story sent me over the edge! how frightening but I have seriously thought that many a time!! So funny!
    Oh yes sleep deprivation is a killer. My trick in the first year of my baby's life was to leave one of the car doors open. I had notes, quite a few notes actually. I left the keys in once..basically an invitation! I've been feeling pretty tired recently and having to remember to check each time I park somewhere. Hope you get a bit of sleep soon. #stayclassy

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    1. I'm glad it made you laugh. I am sorry to hear you are a fellow sufferer!

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  10. That last one made me cringe! Love the one about the eating all the brie too - oh, the sacrifice! I spent ages trying to wipe off mascara from under my eyes the other day before realising, wait, that's just how my eyes look now. Katie @ Squirmy Popple #stayclassy

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    1. Yea the things we have to do in the name of saving face ;)

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  11. Oh dear! I feel a lot better about some of my more inept moments (which shall remain unsaid) after reading some of these. It goes without saying that the last one is definitely in a league of its own, but I love the car one as well! Thanks for linking up to #StayClassy

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    1. I'm glad it has made you feel better about yourself! ;)

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  12. Oooh blimey

    I walked into my wardrobe once when I was tired ..

    I put weetabix on a plate ....

    I think studies show we are actually geniuses ....

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    1. Obviously! We manage to keep small people alive...

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  13. Hahah all of them are ridiculous, especially the leaving the changing bag you just spent too much time on putting together! I was just talking about this with my sisters yesterday, they both have equally ridiculous stories of things they have done, the worst one I heard was when my older sister left the back door open and the baby crawled outside and into the neighbours garden, they then judged her for being a terrible mother the rest of the time she lived there... Just last week, I found the kettle in the fridge, so I definitely FEEL YOU ON THIS. ; ) Thanks for sharing with #StayClassy!

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    1. It bonds all new mothers I think! Er... And seasoned ones

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  14. That tampon story... I just can't!! Found you on the LOL roundup. Thanks for the laugh.

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    1. I know. The girl who submitted it will be so thrilled to know it's made the roundup! Haha :D

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  15. Oh my god the last one! Hilarious! I have also left the very organised changing bag in the front room and proceeded to go out for the day - it's always to somewhere remote where no nappies or wipes or anything can be bought! xx #triballove

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    1. I know. The poor woman! Very glad that one wasn't me.

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  16. I totally did the pay and display ticket thing! Went off for our first little trip to posho Winchester as a petite famille of trois, adventurously decided on a noodle restaurant for lunch, found the pay and display ticket scrunched under a muslin. Husband abandoned noodles. Too late. Appealed ticket. Won. Told off by Winchester Council. Shamefaced.

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  17. Forgetting to wear bra to work. Positive-- baby hadn't woken up at night so pretty perky shape from being full of milk.. Negtiave.. well exactly that-- seeing 2 fab milk stains on my work top when I went to the loo
    cringe and sparked an emergency bra buy in m&s which Actually turned out to be a bonus as wow they are cheap in Jan sales! Got me 5 nice new ones

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